Spelangel: Makin magic

Hola

2009-06-12T00:40:00.001-04:00

Happy June!
Hope everyone is well. It's been quite a while since i have gotten on here and shared my life. I guess I've just been a little lazy lately with the blogging...I think I may have needed a little time out...not that i am the most regular blogger in the world in the first place but...well, you know...i did miss blogging though...i was so used to gathering up a few thoughts and sharing...

but lets see..in the last few weeks...Ely and I went to michigan to see my family...that was a fun trip, i was a little nervous at first because he had never met my parents..only talked to my mom on the phone a few times...but we have been together more than 2 years, it was past time to make that trip..i still have to visit his folks but we spent so much money on the michigan trip...thats going to have to be put on hold for a few months...the time at home was nice though...he got to see where i grew up and the places i worked in high school and the places i used to hang out at during summers home in college...

of course he had to stay at my big bro's house... my mama aint have that, lol...but it was cool, they had already met about a year ago so they were cool...we really didnt do much, just relax and chill with my family...my mom LOVES him...my dad..well, he likes him and thats as much as you are going to get from my dad....

while we were in michigan we had to break the news to my dad that we were living together...that was an interesting night...full of emotion..i think we all cried at one point...but it was good...my parents finally started seeing me as more than just their little girl...i have never had an experience like that...but they saw that we were serious about our relationship and are committed to each other...my mom is trying to start planning now...ive had to tell her a few times to calm down...we will work that out when the time is right...i am happy right now, our relationship is beautiful and i dont believe in rushing to get married just because we have chosen to live together...

other than that life has been pretty uneventful...TRYING to save money...which doesnt seem to happen as often as i would like...there is always some bill popping up...sometimes i just dont know what to do...but i try my hardest not to stress about money...my bills are paid, my car had gas and i am employed...i have a lot more going for me that a lot of people...to i am learning to appreciate what i have and thank God for all his blessings...speaking of God, i am really happy we found the church we have been attending for a few months...i learn something new every week...im growing...i just have to be patient with myself...

i know i have a lot more to so spill but i cant seem to get it together right now...i should write down my thoughts and feelings daily...and i do A LOT of thinking...sometimes i get so inside my head i have to make myself stop...i have to make myself to engage in conversation so folks dont think something is wrong with me...

on a lighter note...i got a hair cut..its a cute bob..ill have to post a photo as soon as i get my camera working...i really am loving it...its very summery...

How is life treating you fellow bloggers? Has Hunnie had the baby yet? Is the economy hitting ya'll hard? How is the weather, lol?

I'll be back soon...i think my blog break is over...

the return of sable...

2009-04-15T01:42:00.002-04:00

I took a trip to my other blog - the one kept somewhat secret and i havent posted anything on it in probably more than a year - but it was nice just looking back and seeing how far ive come....i believe i started the blog in 2005 when i was still in indiana and it looks like i stopped posting a little while after i met Ely...

it was crazy reading about some of my past relationships...with so much detail...im not sure if i ever put that much detail in this blog, but im wondeirng if i should start..it was so refreshing just seeing all the emotions and thoughts i went through to end up in the place i am now...i talk about how this one guy went and got this girl preggers while we were still dealing with each other...and then come wanting sympathy and a shoulder to cry on (ooh, and tried to get in my pants) when she went and had an abortion without telling him...sad situation, but i am not the one...

i talk about my wonderful relationship with this guy that just taught me so much about loving myself and how a man is supposed to treat a woman (if you are reading this, Thank you, you know who you are, im not going to put ya business in the street :))...and even though we had to part ways after a year and some change it was such a great experience and i value all the good times and the pain...

man i read about the ups and downs and pain i went through with my college ex...if he only knew half of the shyt i kept from him, i dont think we would be cool at all...and another ex who wanted to marry me, and how i wasnt ready for all that then, and the struggle with having to deal with that...

i fell in lust with this other wonderful man, who, til this day i have never met face to face...but the friendship we forged is 100% real and he also helped me grow...that was/is a magical relationship...im glad he is in my life, even if we dont talk regularly...

and its so funny reading about Ely and how i didnt think it was going to go anywhere at first, i knew he was feeing me but wasnt sure if i was ready to enter into a relationship...two and a half years later we are still going strong...

and, know it wasnt even all about men..i talked about job uncertainties, partying, my mother and how much i adore her..and even saw pieces of a story i started and never finished, i just may start adding to it...it was crazy just reading how much life really affects me...i gloss over a lot when i talk about my past...but i have two years of my life detailed in this blog...my guts, my thoughts, my contradictions are all over the place...i think i need to bring that back..not be so afraid to show that world...thats why i started that blog because i was scared to put myself out there on this blog plus i didnt want to hurt anyones feelings who knew about this blog, cause i tear some folks up...but i think im good now...i dont think i need a "secret" blog anymore...

i wish i had started blogging in college...man, that would have been something to look back on...i was CRAZY in college...so full of bullshyt and insecurities...hiding all of my fears with a slick tongue and sex appeal...not being real with myself ended up hurting me the most...i just want to go back and hug that little girl...tell her to stop frontin..

but i am so happy with life right now...i really dont think i have much to write about at the moment but i like to talk about myself too much to stop blogging...i should post the beginning of the story i stopped working on...i guess i really just admired the way a spilled my guts to the limited few who had access to that blog...and i really appreciate them having my back and not judging my experiences...and i appreciate the experiences for molding and shaping the woman i am growing into...

growing in all directions...

2009-04-01T01:52:00.003-04:00

I keep telling myself im going to post more on my blog...i used to post at least twice a week...i will continue to work on it...

i went bowling on sunday for the first time in about four years...and i cant bowl at all, but its was fun just hanging out, goofing off and laughing...i think my highest game was like a 77...yeah...HA!...funny how the more wine i drank the better i got...we bowled with one of eli's (i think this is the first time i used his name on this blog)clients, she also does my hair from time to time and is the one that invited us to church...she calls us her kids...its nice to have a mother figure around....but they made a side bet that if he didnt break 100 during the last game the next training session he would have to do all the working out instead of her...he lost...lol...she was already plotting on how she was going to have him running and doing a bunch of push ups...i had to tell her that doing all that won't phase him, that's less than his daily workout...

sunday was a good day though...we got up and went to church, to the mall and out to eat...eli bought us matching all white air force ones...we were joking that in michigan, we call them "ones" and in milwaukee, where he's from, they call them dookies"...i have no clue how folks nickname an all white shoe "dookie"...but anyway, it was cute...we wore them to the bowling alley...

church has been really good for us...we always leave thinking about what was said and talking about how it applies to our life..its allowing us to have a different kind of conversation and strengthening our relationship...

life is so simple right now...and thats not a bad things at all...
there was a post on my messageboard asking folks if they could go back in time and change something they regret doing without it effecting their future, would they would do it...
my first thought was i dont regret anything...but after thinking about it for awhile, i realize thats not true...but i dont think i regret anything enough to go back and change anything...i realize a lot of the things i regret are things i did to myself, that affected my body and my mind...and while that was all painful to work through, i needed to learn those lessons...i made it harder on myself, but i learned...now the question says that erasing past deeds will not affect the future but then how else would i have learned those lessons? how could i be the person i am if i erased those situations and experiences? growing pains are an essential part of life...

antway, how is everyone? anything new, interesting or exciting?

catfish and kool-aid

2009-03-07T01:29:00.004-05:00

a couple days ago i really had something to blog about...but i didnt write it down so now im just typing jibberish..

so my puppy is too smart for his own good..actually i should say my puppy is too greedy for his own good...or maybe ill just say, my puppy is bad as hell...

i left my cell phone on the kitchen counter the other night because i didnt feel like carrying it...there was also a to-go box of food on the counter...yeah do you see where this is going...

well, marcus was able to swipe down my cell phone cause the food was a little too far away...and he decided my phone was good enough to chew on...sooo, i ended up having to get a new phone, but i had to wait for sprint to order a new one and my old one was out of commission...

those two days without a phone made me realize how much i depend on it..and its not that i even talk on the phone that much..but i now i see how much i use it for other things...texting, sudoku, i write notes to myself constantly because im always forgetting something, i am always setting the reminder on my calendar...but all is well, i got my new phone and bought a new plastic case for it...and i now that i know he can jump and get stuff down i wont be leaving my phone lying around anymore...lesson learned...

i had some time off work and one of my best friends came out to visit...we had such a good time...myra and i have been friends since 6th grade...it was so good to kick it with her...mostly we just went shopping...we went out and got mani/pedis and i took her to a couple of my fav places to eat...myra, my friend marie, my boyfriend and i went to salsa night at one of the casinos...and then sat around talking and nursing our drinks that we didnt even dance...i wont even comment on the high card/low card games...lets just say i wont be drinking vodka anytime soon...

myra and my boyfriend clicked really well and myra and marie seemed like instant sisters...

i once told marie that if i were able to get my close girlfriends in one place for at least a weekend, i have no doubt everyone would get along...i think the core values all my friends have in common are loyalty, logic and a very strick moral compass...and well they all seem to love my crazy ass for some reason....sooo ladies...when can we get together?

life is pretty good right now despite the dragging economy...my sweetie has been doing some networking for his personal training business and we are just enjoying each other and planning for the future...
we dont have much but we are happy with what we have and we both know there is more in store...we have family, health and each other...we have started going back to church..all though its been a slow process, we keep waking up late, but we are determined...

we saw madea goes the jail the other week...that was a cute movie..but...i think they spent so much time setting up the plot once it got it its climax it kinda zoomed to the finish...and once you saw the credits rolling i started feeling like i missed something...

oh and i must pat myself on the back...i made the best fried catfish the other day...my sweetie and i started this "tradition" that every first monday in the month is fried catfish monday...we usually have catfish filets or nuggets and rotate different side dishes every month...so since my girl was here i made enough for us and invited over marie and shabazz...i hooked it up with greens, mac and cheese (it was perfect, extra cheesy on the inside with that baked crust on the outside) and cornbread...yes,its friday and im still patting myself on the back...it was amazing...we all pigged out...

i hope everyone is doing well in blog land...Hunnie you have the cutest baby belly i have ever seen! i cant wait until you pop out booter! im sure you cant either, lol

im drinking hot tea

2009-02-03T19:00:00.004-05:00

the title is dedicated too shabazz, lol...we have had a couple interesting convos the past week, lol

So i told my mom my huny and i are living together..she took it pretty well...even though she managed to get in "shackin up," living in sin," and "playing house" all in one phone converstation...i understand she just wants to make sure that he was contributing financially...after that issues with my old roomie i see my mama is just looking out for me...i keep telling her, mama his is a good guy, he has his shyt together, no need to worry...she was like i cant wait to see your dads face when yall tell him...mmmm, thats going to be interesting...since my dad still thinks im 12...

i mailed some picks home of my trip to atlanta for homecoming and the trip to vegas and my dad said that my shirt was a little low...i had a on a beater...thats not low...but i suppose thats the price you pay for being a daddy's girl...you never get to grow up...i want to ask my mom "doesnt dad know im closer to 30 than i am to 20?"...but i didnt i mean really whats the point...i understand..im the baby girl...but it can get irritating..anyone else have this experience?

anyway my mom is so excited about our trip home...its not until the end of april..we havent even got tickets yet...but she has been waiting for more than two years to meet him...its kinda cute...she has been telling her church friends about meeting him and they keep telling her he is coming home to "properly ask my father for permission to marry me."..umm no, lol...its just WAY past time for them to meet...my parents dont have the money to get out here and plus they dont like to fly and i barely get home more than once a year myself...so this is going to be a nice trip...of course he has to stay at my brothers house...my parents are real old school...besides i no longer have a room at my parents house anway...my bed is the couch...

we took the dogs hiking the other day..it was so fun...marcus and lily and a great time running around and sniffing everything...they didnt want to get back on their leashes...the hike wore them out, they slept most of the rest of the day...which is a good thing cause marcus has learned how to get things off the counter...he helped himself to some guacamole the other night when we were gone...

anyway life is good...pretty simple..but wonderful...my family is good, friends are doing great..although i miss them...andrea being in new york and pru and tootie in atlanta...way too far from me...but i have marie here to hold me down and my huny as we continue to grow closer and make future plans...

ive been thinking about a lot of people i used to deal with lately...old roomie, a couple ex's...i realize how much i want them to be happy...even if i dont talk to them often or not at all..ive been feeling the need to reach out more...mend relationships...at the same time i feel good letting the past be the past...ive moved on...so im really not sure what these feelings mean...or what i should do with them...but a part of me knows i just shouldnt sit on them..be proactive somehow...

we decided to have a bbq in a couple weeks..it should be fun...for all yall east coast people..its be in the 80s here the past week..nice huh? i dont have much money but i love having people over and cooking...it will all work out...folks need to fellowship more often...im going to try and get a spades table rockin along with a couple other games...and i have a feeling the shot glasses will be coming out...if yall are in the neighborhood feel free to stop by and kick it!

Today was a WONDERFUL day!

2009-01-21T01:36:00.001-05:00

-Reuters

I woke up early this morning, made a huge cup of coffee and got comfy on the couch to see my president sworn in...it was beautiful...surreal...we have come a long way and we are truly blessed...my president has to get down to business tomorrow morning...but for today...lets just smile...and dance...cheers

Just a little Christmas story...

2009-01-01T23:30:00.003-05:00

Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and a happy new year...

I was talking with my mother over the holidays and she was giving me more details into my adoption...its kinda facinating..well it is for me because i thought i knew everything but i guess now that im older my mom is a bit more free with the information...or maybe now that im older im more interested in talking about it...

my mom calls me her Christmas present because she got me right before Christmas when i was 5 months old...what i didnt know is that it may not have happened...timing is everything...

in 1976, after 2 or 3 miscarriages my mom gave birth to a baby boy...she says he had her facial features and my dads long limbs...he also had an enlarged heart and he died in the hospital when he was only a few months old...

i was telling my mom that i cant even begin to identify the pain her and my father went through...and she said for some couples an experience like that could tear them apart but for her and my dad it brought them closer..they realized how much they needed to lean on each other...

a few years later they decided to adopt and were looking into adopting a little girl...my brother was born in 1979 and when he was around nine months old the agency told them about him and they immediately said "give him to us," lol...they named him alex...and to this day they adore the mess out of him...shooot, i do too...

so after they got him in 1980 they had to wait a year before they were able to adopt again...i was born in july, before the year was up and the woman at the agency couldnt even tell them about me until the year was complete...luckily, i wasnt adopted by another family during that time...in december 1981 the agency called my mother and said "we have a little girl for you, she is 5 months"...my mom told her "i'll will be there in the morning" the woman called back and said "umm, you should prbably bring your husband too!"

...they brought half the family...and i came home with them...right before Christmas...when God has a plan in mind, its always turns out right...my family is close...and we all look alike...my bro looks like my mom and i look more like my dad..no one every believes we arent blood...

ya'll go hug your families as this new year starts...send a prayer up to God thanking him for life and love...and if you are beefin with cousins or brothers and sisters...reach out to them...they need you...and you need them...family is a blessing...i realize that more and more every year since im out here in california and everyone else is in michigan...i hate missing out on birthdays and holiday get-togethers..but this is my path, i chose it...but i know as long as i carry my family in my heart they are never far from me...

Happy New Year!

Have a wonderful Christmas!

2008-12-23T20:53:00.001-05:00

Ive been tagged

2008-12-10T01:51:00.002-05:00

Hunnie tagged me! I love theses things!

A.)Pass this on to 7 people:

Hunnie passed it to the other 2 folks i was goin gto pass it too..small world, lol...

Eb

Jenelly

Lola

Lyre

Ms. Tee (Green Eyez

B.)Answer the following questions using only one word.

where is your cell phone? purse

where is your significant other? home

your hair color? black

your mother? michigan

your father? with my mother

your favorite thing? toilet

your dream last night? many

your dream/goal? success

the room you're in? newsroom

your hobby? reading

your fear? God

where do you want to be in 6 years? L.A.

where were you last night? home

what you're not? boring

one of your wish list items? clothes

where you grew up? michigan

the last thing you did? type

what are you wearing? shirts

your tv? on

your pet? lazy

your computer? busy

your mood? eager

missing someone? no

your car? pretty

something you're not wearing? hat

favorite store? grocery

your summer? healthy

love someone? crazily

your favorite color? purple

when is the last time you laughed? today

last time you cried? october?

are you a b*tch? never

favorite position? when?

favorite past time? lounging

are you a hater or a lover? LOVER

are you genuine or fake? guess...

any vices? yup

pro life or wire hanger? do you

mccain or obama? Obama!!!

pro plastic or natural? natural

dream job? mom

Whew..

2008-12-04T01:07:00.002-05:00

made it through the layoffs at work...15 people at my paper were left without jobs today...it was supposed to be 30 people...pure craziness...ive never been through anything like this before...and although i stil have my job..i still dont feel secure...the entire company is getting hit hard...throughout the company they are laying off more than 800 people...and right before the holidays...i really dont even have any words...but thank God i still have a job...i have bills up the butt that have to get paid...

other than that life is chill...ran outside the other day..it felt so good..until today, now im so sore..i run harder outside than i do on the treadmill..but it felt so good...the weather was perfect and i has T.I. in my ears...but im hurting right now...i gotta go bakc out tomorrow so my body can get used to the pavement...and i need to stretch better...my thighs are killin me...

i had all types of things to blog about a few days ago but now that im sitting at the computer i cant remember anything..that ever happen to you?

i realize i do some of my best thinking in the shower..the other day i was thinking about some future endeavors..and i realize i miss volunteering..i used to volunteer with the ladies at church, they held workshops for girls ages 11-15ish...every other saturday morning i would go and help with activities and get to know the girls...a mentoring program really...i didnt do as much as i now wish i did..it only takes one person to make an impact on someones life...i was thinking i would love to start a program like that one day for middle school and high school age girls...i really think that is the age you have to uplift them and teach self-esteem and answer all those questions a lot of girls that age are too afraid to really talk about...i would love to mentor and hold outings and create some kind of environment where girls feel safe and secure and learn...

i was thinking about my own past..i have stories to tell..especially about self-esteem and finding yourself and loving yourself...i would love to teach some of the lessons i had to learn...although i do realize some things you just have to go through...but if i can prevent someone from making a few of my mistakes...thats enough, thats worthwhile...so thats a goal...maybe when i move to L.A. in a couple years...if that still is even the plan by then...im not in a place now where i can really do that since i work nights...but hopefully one day...

2008-11-20T01:04:00.005-05:00

dont worry...im still around...lol

ive been chillin lately...making lists...planning for the future...and doing a little traveling...

My guy and i have been really thinking about our future and what steps we need to take to get to where we want to be...top of our list is going back to church...we have both been slacking aand both out mamas would not like that fact that we havent been as dedicated as we need to be...i LOVED my church in indiana...and i need to find a good church home here...ill have to ask the ladies at the beauty shop what church they go to...our list actually got pretty long...i feel that we are focused and are both going in the same directiona dn have similar goals...im further along on some of them than he is and he hasme beat in a few areas...but we are ready to help each other and make it work...we have many short-term and long-term goals to reach..im really excited about life and just living each day and enjoying my friends and family...

i also made my own list of things i need to to for myself...i pulled out my old journal and just got to writing..it felt so good and when i got done i felt a lot better..like i made a path for myself...i think thats why i was so down a few weeks ago...life felt foggy...i felt like i was stuck...but now i feel more directed...

now on to my trips...

so i went to atlanta at the end of october and met up with my college girlfriends...it was soo much fun...i hadnt seen my girls in about 2 years and all 4 of us hadnt been all together in about 5 years...i love them so much..those ladies are so full of grace and style and just love life...two of my girls had some problems come up over the weekend but they handled business..didnt let the issues get them down too much...i was honord that i was there to be with them and talk with them during their brief down time...it was like we were back in the dorms...but well, we are grown now...the things we talk ab out and go through are not as petty as back in the day...

we hit up a couple parties, went to tailgate and went back on campus to see how our old home has changed...it was soo beautiful...we ran into a few of our other friends and just reminiced and enjoyed campus again....

my sweetie and i just got back from a weekend in vegas...that was soo much fun...we celebrated our two year anniversary by eating, drinking and walking the vegas strip...we really have so much fun together...we just kicked it and did whatever we wanted until it was time to go home...ill throw some photos of our trip up later...i tried to gamble but i really hate losing money so that didnt work out to well..after losing about 20 dollars on the slot machines i was done...we walked aroundt he malls and just windows shopped for the majority of the trip...but thats something we like to do together...its not about spending money but just looking at different styles and fashions and goofing off together...

now im back at work...but hey, i not mad about it..gotta make money...pay the bills...life feels so awesome right now...all i can do is give thanks for all my blessings and keep on pushin...

Blessed...

2008-11-05T01:39:00.000-05:00

blowin in the wind

2008-10-23T00:49:00.001-04:00

been meaning to write for awhile...but my computer at home doesnt want to act right and then my work computer caught a cold...but im here...still chugging along...which is what has been on my mind...its almost november...i feel as if the world is moving aorund me andim stuck in slow-mo..i dont know why but its just feels as if time is whizzing by me...and feeling stuck...my routine...feels too routine..make any sense? i feel like life needs to be shakin up a little bit... and its funny i write this right after commenting on my girl's (she feel like my girl anyway) lol blog about God having a plan and guiding her life...she feels rushed at the moment, and for good reason, she has a lot going on in her life, lots of change...i feel like my life is just creeping along...and its not bad, i love my life, my family, my man, my dogs, my friends...i guess life just feels real regular...i do have things to look forward too..i guess im just ready for them to get here...im excited for homecoming this weekend...me and my girls just having a great time, going out, looking cute..seeing folks i havent seen in a few years...and my trip to vegas for our two year anniversary...im letting him plan everything, so im excited about what we are going to do...i know it will be fun, we always have a good time... hopefully ill be going home at the beginning of the year...its time he met mom and dad...lol..actually, its past time, huh? but i dunno...i dont feel bored really...i just dont feel inspired...or creative..i spend so much time working and paying bills...you know, real life stuff, i dont feel that creative energy that used to have me bouncing off the walls...and i miss it...i feel slightly off center...like im neglecting pieces of myself because i have to focus on the day to day things... im sure i will figure it out...time will tell..

focus on me

2008-10-10T01:14:00.002-04:00

So..i saw this on Eb's blog..and i knew i had to do it...enjoy me!

I am not: transparent
I hear: my thoughts
I regret: not listening to myself when i was younger
I care: about my inner circle
I long to: make an impact
I feel alone: less and less
I hide: most of my thoughts
I drive: with lil wayne in my cd player
I sing: because im happy?
I dance: around my apartment
I write: because i know no other way
I breathe: because im blessed
I play: spades when i get the chance
I miss: hearing my daddy play the piano in the middle of the night
I search: then i stop myself and pray for guidance
I say: what i need to say, when i need to say it
I feel: loved
I succeed(ed): by growing
I fail(ed): when i stifle my dreams
I dream: of having it all
I sleep: peacefully
I wonder: whats next
I want: joy and wisdom
I worry: that i want too much
I have: to stay on the treadmill until homecoming
I give: all i can offer
I fight: to be understood
I am: my mother's daughter
I can’t: believe vitamin water has 125 calories
I stay: relaxed
I will: keep it pushin
I can: be too blunt
I would: like to travel all over the world
I might: try some more recipes i saw on the food network
I like: sitting in the jacuzzi with a glass of champagne
I love: the smell of his cologne
I smile: when my dog humps her stuffed bear
I frown: when im underestimated
I read: too much news
I work: to play

the randomness

2008-10-01T01:07:00.001-04:00

i was having some random conversation the other week and i was asked whats my favorite food...i like so many things i couldnt even come up with anything at that moment...too bad starch isnt a food group...it hit me a few days later...

i LOVE potatoes...i can eat potatoes every day...i dont, but i could...french fried, baked, mashed, twice baked, chips, red, yellow, new, garlic...yeah, see where im going with this?

i love potatoes...give me a baked potato topped with veggies, cheese, butter and Lawry's and i good to go....of course i take all the health out of a potato when i put all that on it...so i dont let myself eat them like that as often as i really want to...

ok, so that was my ode to the potato...real random...i think im hungry actually...

its still in the low hundreds during the day out here, hot but not humid, so not too bad...at night its soo nice though...its perfect jacuzzi weather....its great to get off work and head for the jacuzzi with a nice glass of wine...the sky is pretty clear out here so sitting back and just looking in the sky and relaxing is soo...perfect...nights like that there are no worries, just good times...

im still trying to get my fitness on so i can look hot for homecoming...im doing OK, the knees are hurting a little from the high incline i set the treadmill on so i find myself taking more days off than id like...but i have to take care of my knees so that i can exercise properly without injuring myself...im still fly so if i dont make my goal ill be good...im a good size anyway...i really dont need to go down anymore sizes...so who knows...time will tell...

not much going on over here in the desert, just watching the foodnetwork and waiting for football season to be over...anything, new, interesting or exciting around your way?

Tagged!

2008-09-17T00:09:00.003-04:00

I've been tagged by the miss Sevens!
Here are the rules to follow:

1.) When you receive the prize you must write a post showing it, together with the name of who has given it to you, and link them back
2.) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs (or even more) that you find brilliant in their content or design.
3.) Show their names and links and leave them a comment informing they were prized with ‘Honest Weblog’
4.) Show a picture of those who awarded you and those you give the prize (optional).
5.) And then we pass it on!

ALLLRIGGGHHHT here is go!

1. I am going to homecoming in atlanta at the end of the month and i have to look GOOD! i am pushing my workouts to 5-6 days out the week for 45 min to 1 1/2 hours...and i put myself on a stricter eating schedule...at least until i get to atlanta...then im hitting up every single one of my fav resturants with my girls...i havent seen my best friend in 3 years..thats crazy...so we are about to tear atlanta down...i have to buy some new boots, jeans, a dress and sweaters...i know this is going to be a good time...

2. i miss my family...as much as i love california i miss being able to go hang out with my mama (sitting on the couch, eating tuna helper and watching tyler perry plays, lol) whenever i feel like it...but i never want to live in michigan again...i just dont see it happening...

3. i like FIJI water just because the bottle is cute...the water taste like every other bottle water but those bottles arent as cute...i like to put my crystal light packets in my FIJI bottle...it looks so pretty...

4. be fearless

5. my swagger has been so off lately...i need to get back on it...i am slackin...im soo comfy in my relationship i dont do the things i used to do...you know, shave regularly, put on makeup, wear something other than a t-shirt, jeans and sandals...yes, he thinks im cute no matter what but i feel like i need to get back into going the extra mile for him...more than twice a month...so im working on that this month...i plan on throwing on some mascara or earrings or something everyday...jay-z, kanye, t.i. and lil wayne have inspired me with their song swagger..and ne-yo had inspired me with his song miss independent..im lovin the remix to that song by the way...i mean clearly ne-yo, jamie foxx and fa-bo-lo-us are talking about me in their song...so i gotta step it back up and embrace my inner diva...

6. i dont daydream like i used to..and i miss it...i used to zone out and have the best trips in my mind...i guess im letting everyday life cloud my creativity...thats not good...especially for an english major, lol...i miss reading i havent opened a new book in a while, too long..ive been doing way to many other things...and yet, i dont feel like i do much at all...i used to take pride in my book shelves and now i dont even have all my books out...a lot are chillin in a closet..but thats also because ive been too lazy to buy a new book shelf..the ones i do have are full..and i can probably fill up one more...

7. im blessed!

i tag:
unrestricted
green eyes
lola
lyre
dappa

love, marriage and vegas...

2008-08-27T00:34:00.002-04:00

hey beautiful people!
so here i am sitting at work snackin on some twizzlers....waiting for the night to end so i can wrap up and go home...i think CNN is on every tv right now...we are focused on the convention...im editing and designing the weeklies so i am knee deep in local/community news...tuesday's are probably my most relaxing days at work...my editor leaves at 8 p.m. so i am usually done by 8:15...but my shift is not up until 11...so i usually help other copy editors out and skim the news and gossip sites...

random: dont know why i like that t-pain and lil wayne song...i just do...plus i just love lil wayne's swagger...very sexy...

my sweetie and i are planning a trip to vegas to celebrate 2 years of putting up with each other...i mean two years of love and companionship...lol...im really excited...i live about 4 hours from vegas and have not taken time to go and visit..im not a gambler so i never really thought there would be anything for me to do in vegas...but he has been a few times with his boys...he has been researching hotels and want us to get spa treatments and im thinking he wasnt to go see a show...thought im not sure what...i wanna be surprised so im not asking...i told him since he was paying for all that id rent a nice car for the trip...

i told my co-worker that we were planning to go to vegas and he said "uh oh, yall gonna get married." ummm no...lol...i love the thought of marrying him..but it def wont happen that way... we talk about the future a lot...but we havent brought up marriage..and im cool with that..at a time when i have friends getting married and having babies i know we are not at the place just yet...i dont think about my biological clock or anything like the magazines say i should...i remember my best friends and i had it all planned at 22 that we would be married by 26 and pop out a kid by 30....well im 27 and in love...and thats just fine with me...would i love to be engaged? well the concept sounds real good, and im pretty sure a diamond would looke wonderful on my finger..if anything, its would be an excuse to get regular manicures...but a ring isnt that important at the moment...he is trying to start his career and im trying to figure out my next move...but long as we are both moving in the same direction i know that it will happen eventually...its all in God's hands, so if thats his plan, i wont argue, lol...

i think this is the first guy i ever really, truly thought about spending the rest of my life with...we just have so much fun..and half the time we are finishing each others thoughts and we both want the same things out of life...he compliments me and i do the same for him...we make each other better...its been almost two years and i can still talk about him all day and just thinking about him makes me smile...i look at him sometimes and think "damn he is gorgeous" lol...so i know this is some real love and im just enjoying it...i know i can tell him anything...ok, im done...lol...i told you i can talk about him all day....

so...who has been to vegas? where are some good places to eat, walk around, site see, etc? what are some good anniversary gifts for a guy? i have a couple ideas but could always use more...

my cup runneth over

2008-08-07T00:45:00.002-04:00

so i was watching some movie over the weekend...jlo and richard gere...shall we dance? i think thats what its called..but anyway...i began thinking sometime during the movie how one desicion can change your life...one choice you make...even something as simple as whether to turn left or right can alter your future...i also started thinking about how some people live their lives as not to shake up their routine...gere took the same train home everyday and lived his life, harboring pieces of him that begged for more out of life, so that he would not potentially hurt his wife's feelings...he loved his wife and did not want her to feel as if she didnt make him happy enough...he wanted her to feel comforted in the knowledge that she was all he needed..but in reality he was holding himself back from himself...of course in the end it all comes together and they end up more in love than before....

that movie (as corny as it was) reminded me to keep living life, happily...to not put pieces of myself on the backburner for anyone and to take risks because i might find something new or i might have a powerful experience that will help me grow...and to trust in God's plan for my life...

"pieces of me shattered, jagged...broken...i picked my soul off the floor...piece by piece...slowly...carefully...scared to cut myself...with myself...i already had enough self-inflicted scars...i saw a part of myself...in each piece...a reflection of who...what...and where...i have been...i wanted to cry...but had no tears...i attempted to smile...but the life...wouldnt ...couldnt...reach my eyes...i was tired...of giving myself away...to the highest bidder...i no longer had the heart to keep reaching out...and grasping nothing...my shoulders were sore...from carrying everyones baggage...worried...needing to find me again...i cradled me in my hands...and closed my eyes...praying God would hear my voice...i remembered me...and i was whole again"

i found this e-mail i had sent to myself i guess more than a year ago...i send myself a lot of emails, just little phrases that float through my mind...i finally decided to clean out my inbox and this is what i found...and im actually amazed, im trying to figure out what was going on in my life at the time but its so far removed from where i am now that i cant even dwell on it too much...it makes me sad... anyway...i went home a couple weeks ago to visit the fam..ill write on that later..still trying to sort a few things out in my mind...plus i wanna post a couple pics so ill do that too...take care

27 and better than ever!

2008-07-15T22:27:00.003-04:00

my bday was friday..i turned 27...and it was a cool birthday...not what i expected...not sure how i feel about that...but you gotta roll with the punches right? i was expecting a quiet birthday...just real chill...but of course when you have all your info on various networking sites...well, you dont get quiet...basically my coworkers threw a surprise bday party for me...well, it was supposed to be a surpsrise, i ended up finding out the day of when i came into work...but its the thought that counts...i work with some of the sweetest people...i had planned on going home after work and chillin...but ended up at the bar and then an afterparty at my place....i had 4 drinks..i felt so bad..i went and worked out the next morning...after popping some excedrin and getting a little grease in my system...my tummy was kinda queasy after the alcohol...

my girl maries hooked me up on sunday with brunch...she really did that damn things too..stuffed french toast, canadian bacon, sausage, eggs, fruit and mimosas! i ate to much...and to exercise that meal off too..lol...

funny, i was just reading earlier in the week about all the sugar in alcohol, lol...i know im a little crazy right now about counting calories and watching how much i eat...but im really beginning to be happy again with my body and im an extreme kinda person at times..im sure ill settle down in a while, once healthy eating and exercise really becomes a way of life for me...i had taken to wearing loose shirts cause i didnt want anyone to notice i had to unbutton my jeans halfway through my shift at work..and now...well those jeans are loose and i feel a lot more comfy wearing shirts that show my curves...im feeling like i felt in college...except a grown version...lol...i want to lose a little bit more then it will be all about toning and maintaining..i dont want to get skinny...i love my booty and my breats...i just want to be toned and curvy...im getting there...everyday it gets easier...

my ex called me over the weekend..i didnt even tell him it was my birthday weekend..i mean really, why? funny how i remember his...but back then i was all into him and he was into himself, so i dont expect him to remember something i told him back then, its not one of the things he remembers about me, HA!...yeah...but we had a good convo...i think we can truly be friends...and not just say it...there is no anger or sadness in my heart anymore thats long gone, i grew up, i healed and i found a wonderful love for myself and i found someone who loves me for me...but really as much angst as he put me through..if i unveiled all the extra shyt i was doing while dealing with him...i dont think he could handle it, even now...so i sit, lol..after our convo over the weekend we are cool...i think he understands where i am at in my life and i understand him...and those are the kind of convos i appreciate..i like to be understood...

on my way to work today one of my tires decided today was the day to get a hole...so ill be up early dealing with that...but thats just part of life, right?

i think the best thing about my birthday was that i got to talk to all my girls..i love them...they always bring laughter and good times...i am so thankful i have beautiful women in my life...emerson, i called you!!!

Happy Fourth!

2008-07-04T22:35:00.004-04:00

i have been telling myself for the last couple weeks to get up on here and write something, lol...i have been slackin on my posting...

Happy Fourth of July!

I'm at work, missing my girl's party...she even told me she set up a slip and slide that goes right into the pool...not that i would get on it and slide into the pool, lol..i just got my hair done...

my boyfriend decided to get a puppy...meet marcus!

he is a 2 month old pit terrier...cute aint he!

see my man's hand...isnt it nice and strong looking, lol

clearly, im in a silly mood...but i suppose thats good...hardly anyone is at work today so we are chillin, just talking and having a good time while we work and collect our holiday pay...

working out had been going so well...i havent been to forever 21 in a long time...usually whenever i go in there i just get pissed because i can never fit anything...my "girls" cant breathe in those tiny shirts...i swear the tag on the clothing says large, i would go try it on and it would fit me like a small...well i went in there last weekend and saw a cute dress...i got brave and tried on a medium....IT FIT PERFECTLY!!! so now i have to go back and try on more stuff..it was so motivating...every time i dont want to work out i think about how i felt when i slid that dress down on me and it hugged all the right spots...and i get my butt on the treadmill...

now i have to find somewhere to wear the dress...im also on a misssion to find the perfect pair of jeans...and then buy 5 pair on them, lol

my bday is next week...im hoping the boyfriend took my victoria secret hints, lol...i keep getting on the web site and showing him stuff....

im getting ready to take a small vacation at the end of the month...im going home to see the fam...i havent seen my parents in almost a year and the last time i saw my big bro was in november when he came to visit..isnt that crazy? living so far away definitely has its downside...i talk to them about every other day so i dont feel as disconnected as i could..but i do miss them a lot...i need to make more money so i can go home more often...all i plan on doing when i get home is eating, shopping and hanging out with my fam...i will be metting my bro's new girlfriend...should be interesting...im pretty protective over him...my mom likes her so i hope i do...

i had a little incident when i was on the treadmill the other day....ill have to share that next time....

have a happy fourth...eat some bbq for me!

getting sexy for the summer!

2008-06-19T23:37:00.000-04:00

i wish i could say i have been off having some wild adventure that kept me from posting...but...ive just been working and relaxing...how is everyone?

i did manage to bring a little summer sassiness to my blog..i love the bright colors, makes me wanna go relax by a pool and sip a margarita, lol...i should have my links to all yall wonderful bloggers back up soon...

yes, i did go see the sex and the city movie and.....I LOVED IT! i had to call one of my best friends after i left the theater to tell her how much i love her...im so glad i went by myself...i went to a afternoon show and there were a only few older couples a couple gay couples in the theater..its was soo nice...everyone really got into the movie and it wasnt crowded...i was good i didnt buy any popcorn, candy or pop...i really am trying to turn this diet/exercise routine into a lifestyle...i really just sat back and enjoyed myself...i even shed a few tears...

life is good around here...i feel so positive!

my boyfriends birthday is coming up next week so i am getting set for that..gotta make a hair appointment, lol...and my eyebrows are OUT OF CONTROL! and lets just say im a couple weeks overdue for a peticure, lol...ive been getting so chill on the grooming, time to get it together ....oh and ummmm i dont think i can keep up the natural look...i really want to but with my workout schedule and my work schedule i am not finding a great deal of time to do my hair everyday..ive been combing it back and throwing a headband on...and im not a headband kinda lady...but i dont have time to get my flatiron out and go at it...plus i dont want to start putting a lot of heat on my hair..its already hot out here in the desert i dont need to add extra...so while my heart says, "Yay, natural hair," my mirror says, "Girl, go get a touch up!" and so does my reality...maybe one day...im not giving up forever!

i am going home at the end of july to see the fam...thats going to be fun...i want to look so fly! another reason to stick to the 5-6 day a week workout plan...fam hasnt seen me in a year and i want them to be wowed..yeah, i know seeing each other will be good enough but i wanna be fierce! or should i say, more fierce than i already am, lol...plus i want to hit up all my fav restuarants that arent out here...

i have been re-reading "Some Things I Never Thought I'd Do" by Pearl Cleage...i love that book..and i love that im getting back into reading...one of my first loves...i dont know why i neglected my books...that used to be my fuel...i actually learned a lot about life and myself in books...or should i say still learning...i always find something new when i open a book even if i read it a few times already....books give me a peace, i guess because im going back to one of my comfort zones...like this blog is a comfort to me...i went back and read some posts from back in the day...and i just see myself growing...

anyway...here are some questions for everyone, some things i have also been asking myself: It's six months into 2008, half the year is up. have you completed any of the goals you set for yourself at the beginning of the year? if so, what are they? if not, why? have you made any new goals? what have you learned about yourself? are you happy with your life or just content on getting by? what's on tap for the next six months?

you knew it was coming...

2008-05-30T01:48:00.002-04:00

so sex and the city is coming out tomorrow...a group of ladies from my office are going to see it together...ive skimmed a couple articles about making it a girls night, complete with dinner and cosmos...

i think...im going to go see it by myself on sunday or monday...im sure there is some kind of b-ball game to entertain my sweetie while i dip out for awhile...

i love the sex and the city series...ive seen every episode numerous times...my ex roomie had the whole collection of seasons...and we used to spend weekends eating, drinking and watching the ladies go through there ups and downs...and talking about our own issues...it was a great bonding experience...those days are over...but i still love the series...

there are so many quizzes out there helping ladies figure out which character from the series they are most like personalitywise, stylewise, etc...but in my mind..i think every women is a combination of each lady...i know there are certain times/situations in my life where i think back and can identify with each lady...

but anyway...for some reason i kinda wanna have the sex and the city experience by myself...the whole series/movie just makes me feel like being independent and trendy...makes me wanna treat myself...makes me feel like my other self...when i was living in indiana and all i had was myself to depend on from day to day...and when i first moved to california a couple years ago...making my own way, handling business and having a great time...the show makes me take time out to think about me, the things i have been through and how i am a better person now because of my experiences..good, bad and ugly...

i think the show is all about finding out who you are for youself and appreciating yourself flaws and all..oh, and its about shoes, sex, love and fashion...and being a woman...as ntozake shange says..."bein alive & bein a woman & bein colored is a metaphysical dilemma/ i havent conquered yet"...but im making strides...

time to change it up

2008-05-14T01:35:00.002-04:00

so i went and got my hair done last thursday...its now tuesday and my roots are already sweated out from exercising...but im not mad cause im starting to see some nice changes in my body...so imma keep up the exercising...i want to buy the victoria secret swimsuit i have been staring at for 4 weeks and then head to the beach...im thinking san diego..its only 2 hours away...im giving myself 3 more weeks to get bikini ready...

anyway..thats not what this post is about...so on to my hair...

i was chatting with my stylist (ive been going to her for about 2-3 months now) and i asked her is it time for a touch up...she looked at me and said "you have a perm?!" *shock*..."how long has it been since your last one?!" i told her about 6 months...she looked at me with her eyes all bugged out and said "you dont need to relax your hair"

so..i think im just going to ride the wave and go natural...once she got done pressing out me hair she told me to feel how soft my new growth (at least half of my hair has grown out) and compare it to the part that still has relaxer...wow...the texture was soo much softer...i keep rubbing the top of my head now, lol

so i am going to make an appointment tommorrow to have my hair cut into a cute bob...that way i get rid of some larger portions that still have relaxer...im a little nervous though...ive been getting my hair relaxed since i was 16...but im also ready for a change...especially if it means healthier hair...

i have pretty soft hair anyway...when i was litle my mama would just put a little water on the brush and brush my hair up and i was good to go...it gets wavy but i have never had any problems detangling it or anything...so im pretty confident i can make this transition...it will be a nice change of pace...

i am a little worried because i live in the desert and it gets HOT...the sun is crazy out here and i dont want my hair to start breaking off or anything...that happened the first summer i was here...but i also didnt have a stylist at the time and this girl keeps me trimmed up and conditioned...

so now im trying to find a photo of how i want her to cut my hair...i have one of me from 2003 when i had the best bob in the world so i am hoping she can do something like that...but im also searching the internet for ideas...

wish me luck! maybe ill post a pic of the new do once i get it...

get me bodied!

2008-05-05T23:44:00.002-04:00

i need a massage and a margarita!

three weeks ago my body was soo sore...its much better now but i could still go for a nice spa day and a large margarita on the rocks...

my sweetie decided he wants to become a personal trainer...i told him thats what he needed to get into months ago but i just let him think it was his idea (like my mama said just let them think they are in charge, lol)...but he found out what classes he needs to take and what certifications he needs and he is on his way...i find the ambition soo sexy, lol

and being the supportive girlfriend i am...i said id be his guinea pig...so week one we began waking up at 10 a.m. and we would walk/jog around the neighborhood six days out the week...he also had me doing all kind of crunches and sit ups with him and we decided to go on this extremely over the top diet...basically lots of water, fish, veggies, oatmeal and barely any carbs and well...we like to eat....i dont think its possible for someone to go from wing-dings, french fries, and enchiladas to no salt, no sugar and a tablespoon of creamer (Yes, i said a tablespoon, i measure it out) ...so after laying in bed one night snatching imaginary fried chicken and chocolate cake out of each others hands...yeah, we were REAL hungry, we realized hunger had made us crazy and we needed to revise the diet...lol...

we are much happier now...because we are eating...we are still eating fish, fruit and veggies and watching portions but we are adding real food (CARBS!!), protein shakes, wednesday and sunday cheat days...and a little wine

its been fun, we are on week 3 and i can already tell a difference in some of my clothing...and when i suck in and stretch i can see what my tummy will look like what i hit my target...my friend marie joined us and couple days and i think she likes it. you like it marie? you better say yes! lol...

i think he is going to make a very good trainer, he pushes you but he also takes time to make sure your form is correct and shows you what muscles are supposed to be being worked, he makes sure you stretch...and he does the workout with you...i havent done so many suicides and lunges since high school track practice...im at the point now where i actually dont want to miss a workout...anyone have work out tips or nutrition advice?

Duck, Duck...GOOSE!

2008-04-25T20:25:00.002-04:00

that beautiful lady Lyre tagged me so here it goes....

Da Rulez!
Link the person who tagged you.
Mention the rules in your blog.
Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours.
Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them.
Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger's blogs letting them know they've been tagged.

1. I love crushed up waffle cones in my ice cream...i blame Cold Stone Creamery for gettting me hooked!

2. I have a habit of reading the fiber, sugar and sodium content on anything i pick up at the grocery store...

3. I am a reality TV junky..shameful, i know...

4. I am obsessive about keeping the kitchen clean. I cant stand for dishes to be piled up and crumbs on the counter. I think I clean the kitchen at least once a day.

5. I dream of one day having a warehouse loft in midtown or downtown Atlanta one day...i swear ive seen my dream loft on craigslist one night...i think it was around $1,350 a month...

6. I love shopping for make up and new beauty products and going to beauty blogs...but i hardly ever wear makeup...MAYBE once a week ill do myself up...

I TAG:
Hunnie
UnrestrictedGenius
NahLaterz
Dappa
Eb the Celeb

pass the message along

2008-04-08T23:38:00.003-04:00

i left for college in 2003...well, i shouldnt say left...my parents and big bro drove me down to spelman and helped me unload my stuff...it was fun..my and my bro were in his car trailing behind our parents all the way from michigan to atlanta...my bro had already been down there at morehouse for two years so he knew the drive well...my bro and i really bonded that trip..i think he was beginning to see that i was growing up...but he was still big bro and couldnt resist torturing me for a little while longer...my bro was BIG into Wu-Tang at the time...so while he was driving that was a lot of what we listened too...here's the catch...as we were driving my bro taught me all the members of Wu-Tang and as each song played would point out who was rapping each part on whatever song....then he had me do it...but every time i forgot a member or couldnt pick them out in each song he slugged me in the shoulder...i was sore by the time we got to campus...lol...why did i let slug me? and why did i entertain this "game?" to this day i really have no clue...i was just a little sister hanging on to each and every word of her big brother...even if it was only about wu-tang...he would never try that now...i punch back...

but anyway, we got to school, found my dorm, started cleaning and getting the room pretty, met my roomie and her family...and then it was time for my parents to leave for their hotel and drive back to michigan...they were both teachers and school started for them soon after they got back..so they had no time to really hang out with me...my bro was there to show me the ropes...but even he made his way back to his apartment...so i was on my own...after some freshman O stuff my roomie and i eventually started talking and realized we had more in common that we origianlly thought...and to this day she is one of my best friends, in a way we grew up together and i know i can go to her for anything...

all that said...before my mama left she gave me a hug and said "dont let nobody give you no wooden nickels." that little piece of advice carried me through college...and although i got duped a couple times...it kinda became a little mantra in my head...sometimes i think thats my mama's way of speaking to me from michigan...her voice popping up in my head like that...kinda like the little angel on my shoulder...what was some of the best advice you have received?

saying goodbye to a good month

2008-03-28T18:31:00.001-04:00

its been a sweet month...my daddy turned 63 a couple weeks ago...my bro fell truly, madly, deeply in love with some woman he is calling "the one" who i have yet to meet and size up...my mama is still making sure everyone in her family is staying healthy and happy...and i have spent the month working and being a home body...i did manage to go see a few movies (semi-pro = funny...shutter = should have waited for the dvd), hit up olive garden and my fav sushi spot, put together an impromptu bbq complete with margaritas and a very vocal, and slightly heated game of Cranium and drink numerous bottle of champagne....

i thought of a few things to write about...my sister circle of bloggers...i just want to reach out and hug all yall...reading your thoughts and experiences keeps me motivated to place my hopes and dreams out there...

i noticed i havent been reading as much as i used to...im thinking its because i have been watching more movies...books used to be my escape and maybe movies are becoming that too...still there is nothing better than cracking open a new book..so i may have to make some time to get back to reading...something i have loved to do since i was little...i get off work early tonight and my sweetie is going to go hang out with his boys so maybe i will get a new book started since i have the place to myself...i have a couple books on the shelves i have been meaning to get to for quite a while...

life is quiet right now...flowing...i was just talking to my girl andrea about not letting life get to stale...we agreed that we should never be afraid to reinvent ourselves..or step out and try something new...be it career, fashion or relationship...i belive any facet of your life can be freshened up, or changed...why let yourself get stuck in a rut? i feel like that sometimes...i feel like my life is so planned out...im feeling rather vanilla...and i cant wait for somthing to happen..i have to make it happen..i pray a lot about life too..ask for direction...i do dream big...and i love that part of me...but i also must be realistic...and i know that God will keep me in line...lol...i want a lot for myself...and i cant be lazy about life...see, what happens when you have good conversation with friends? life just seems so much easier...and you tend to smile more...

broken hearted...

2008-03-05T01:09:00.000-05:00

so ive been telling myself that i have been mourning a lost friendship....but this cant be true...ive went through all kinds of emotions...mainly anger, sadness and disappointment...i dont even like reminising sometimes on the good times...i guess because i dont want myself to care about her anymore...i do think about her from time to time...we became fast friends..and she was like a sister to me...i had her back, she had mine...most of the time i pretend its the money that came between us...and a lot of it is the money...when she left i told her please dont let the rent come between our friendship....and it has...im pretty sure ill never see my money....i used to text her every couple weeks and remind her...then i stopped...i thought about taking her to court to get the money...but thats soo much drama...i also think that was a grown ass woman part of living life is handling your business without having someone breathing down your back..a lot of times i see it is a learning experience...but im pretty sure that i knew all along i would never see a dime...in fact id be surprised if i saw any of it...the money really affected me...but i also realize before it came down to money there was already a wedge growing...i honestly wish her well..im not a pissed off as i used to be..and i like having the apartment to myself...my sweetie is more comfortable too...he was always so stiff aorund her...he never trusted her...he is a good judge of character too....

i know this woman..i know her like the back of my hand...i allowed myself to reveal my whole self to her...and i feel like she didnt respect me or appreciate me...but then i think a little harder and remind myself she couldnt love me as i loved her, as a sister....because she hadnt yet learned to love herself, forgive herself...she always had good intentions...but you know that saying...

so i had been telling myself to feel the emotions because i was mourning a friendship...but thats not being fair to her...i have to look at myself too...and be honest...in the months she left i think i called her twice...and most of the time when i texted or e-mailed it wasnt to see how she was doing but wondering if she had any of the money she owed...i didnt behave as a good friend...i didnt fight for the relationship...i just let it dwindle....i felt us growing apart when we were roomies and i didnt try to stop it...so some of that anger i feel is directed at myself too...sometimes i think wonder how our relationship would be if i had tried more...

we used to have a lot of fun...and i hate thinkings about all the good times...cause then i start missing the person she used to be...

yall have to bear with me...or not...im thinking all this through as i type so i may be going in circles...

i think i would still be where i am now, even if i tried to keep the relationship going..because it takes two in a friendship..and neither of us tried...the one time she called me was because i sent her a text saying i would not try and text her again since she never returned them...and i think the only reason she called is because she still had stuff in the apartment and didnt want to sever ties until she got it....

i feel like i am writing about her so harshly..i really do hope she is living a good life...i want her to be happy because i am happy...at the same time that friendship took a lot out of me...and left me with some bittterness...in the end i felt like i couldnt trust her, she never gave me the whole truth...she would give me the bits she thought i wanted to hear...like i was going to leave..and in the end..that way of covering things up, and being sneaky did make me back away...i didnt feel like i could leave my secrets, hopes, desires or experiences with her anymore...i felt like she had abused my love for her...i guess thats what hurt the most..

2008-02-22T21:41:00.002-05:00

life is good!

my huny is back so im real happy about that...he refused to tell me exactly what day he was flying in because he wanted it to be a surprise...he promised to be back before valentines day...it was cute at first but around the 12th i started to get a little antsy...for some reason his phone wasnt working and i couldnt reach him for a few days...on top of that the last time i had talked to him he told mme he had to change his flight and wasnt coming in until the 20th...of course refused to belived that..my sweetie cannot lie well at all...but was the 14th got closer i was feeling sad, and slightly mad that i couldnt get in touch with him and maybe he wasnt going to make it for valentines day..i had taken the day off already so i was gearing up for sitting at the house alone...

on the 13th i was REAL pissy...i told a few folks at work that my baby hadnt checked in with me and i was starting to believe i wouldnt see him until the 20th...my girl and i planned to meet at my house after work and have some champagne and veg out...

she beat me to my apartment and went up the front walk while i parked around back...she has a key so she could let herself in..as i was coming up to the door she was cming out of the apartment and closing the door...she just said "ill talk to you tomorrow"...i walked in to candles lit everywhere...and my dog jumping on my leg, lol i run to the bedroom but no sweetie, as i turned around he appeared in the doorway...*sigh* he was home!

on valentines day i made a big dinner and then we went to the movies...it been great since he has been back..we got right back in the groove of things...2 months away from each other really made us see how much we appreciate each other...

so life is good...he surprised me with the why did i get married dvd and i surprised him with the american gangster 3-disc set...

family is good, friends are good, work is good...so i am so happy...my girl marie brought me these red grapefruit that grow on trees in her yard....tasty! i love southern california if only cause i can go to someones yard and pick fruit off trees...

im ready for the warm weather to come and stay...its in the 70s during the day now but iffy some days...i cant wait until its steadily 80-85..i will be so happy..i love heat and sun...

sharing is caring

2008-02-09T01:47:00.000-05:00

I was half watching Celebrity Rehab on VH1 and half messing around on my computer this morning...i remember back in the day i used to link stuff i was talking about but...well...if you dont know about the show celebrity rehab w/ dr. drew pinsky...google it...

so like i said i wasnt giving the show my 100% attention because i was recording it so i knew id probably watch it again later....that was until pinsky said something i had never heard before...but it grabbed me for a minute...i had to get a pen and write it down...im sure others have heard this before but it was new to me...

he said, "you are only as sick as your secrets."

that really just got me...i just thought id share...

memes for the older me...

2008-02-07T01:56:00.000-05:00

taken from myspace:
Tired of all of those surveys made up by high school kids?
'Have you ever kissed someone?'
'Missed someone?'
'Told someone you loved them?'
'Drank alcohol?'...

50 questions for the people who are a little older....

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
WHAT BILL DO I NOT HATE PAYING IS A BETTER QUESTION.

2. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
UMMMM....YEAH I HOPE HE READS THIS..J/K...THIS NICE ITALIAN RESTUARANT DOWNTOWN..WE SAT UT ON THE PATIO

3. Do you regret losing your virginity to who you lost it to?
HA! WELL...UMMM...YES AND NO...YES BECAUSE HE WAS A SPECIAL GUY IN MY LIFE..NO BECAUSE I WAS DATING ANOTHER GUY AT THE TIME...

4. If you could go back and change one thing what would it be ?
I WOULNDT HAVE DYED MY HAIR WHEN I WAS 19...THE STYLIST NAME WAS "WISHBONE" I SHOULDA KNOWN BETTER...

5. Name of your second grade teacher?
I FORGOT..SOME YT LADY...

6. What do you really want to be doing right now?
SITTING ON THE COUCH EATING CARBS AND DRINKING CHAMPAGNE

7. What did you want to be when you were growing up?
FIRST A TEACHER, THEN A BOOKSTORE/COFFEE SHOP OWNER, THEN A PSYCHOLOGIST...

8. How many colleges did you attend?
WELL I ATTENDED THE WONDERFUL SPELMAN COLLEGE FOR MY BACKELORS...I DID A FELLOWHIP PROGRAM AT VANDERBILT UNIVERSITY AND I ATTENDED ANOTHER FELLOWSHIP PROGRAM AT UNIVERSITY OF NEVADA, RENO

9. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?
IT WAS CLEAN

11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you where would it be?
SOMEWHERE TROPICAL, WITH LOTS OF BEACHES AND A ECLECTIC NIGHTLIFE..

I2. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
I DONT HAVE TO SET AN ALARM..EVER!

13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
UMMM...NO CLUE...

14.What do you miss about being a child?
NO RESPONSIBILITIES...

16. What errand/chore do you despise?
DUSTING AND CLEANING THE SHOWER

17. If you didn't have to work, would you volunteer?
YEAH I WOULD...ID LOVE TO BE A KIDS TRACK COACH

18. Get up early or sleep in?
SLEEP IN..

19. What is your favorite cartoon character?
I LIKE MICKEY MOUSE, I GUESS...

20. Favorite thing to do at night with a girl/guy?
WITH THE GIRLS: GET DRESSED UP, GO OUT TO DINNER, DRINKS AFTER A DAY OF SHOPPING..
WITH MY GUY: SEX...THEN GET DRESSED UP AND GO OUT TO DINNER, DRINKS, FOLLOWED BY MORE SEX...

21. Have you found real love yet
A COUPLE TIMES

22. When did you start feeling old?
IT AINT HAPPENED YET!..

24. Fave lunch meat?
HONEY TURKEY...

25. What do you get every time you go into Wal-Mart?
MAKE UP, FOOD, CANDLE HOLDERS...

26. Beach or lake?
BEACH

27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
NAW, I THINK ITS A GREAT THING WHEN A COUPLE IS READY....

28. Do you own property?
SOON...I HOPE...WELL...ONE DAY ANYWAY...

29. Favorite Guilty pleasure?
MAKING COOKIE DOUGH AND EATING IT WHILE SITTING ON THE COUCH WATCHING MOVIES..

30. Favorite movie you wouldn't want anyone to find out
THAT MANDY MOORE MOVIE WHERE SHE DIES..A WALK TO REMEMBER...

31. What's your drink?
CHAMPAGNE W/ POMEGRANTE JUICE...

32. Cowboys or Indians?
DA HELL?

33. Cops or Robbers?
THATS KINKY...

34. Who from high school would you like to run in to?
MY OLDER BROTHER..HA! I WISH HE COULD COME OUT HERE AND KICK IT WITH ME AGAIN, WE HAD SO MUCH FUN...

35. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
XM CHANNEL SUITE 62!

36. Norm or Cliff?
WHO?

37. Grey's Anatomy or 'The Office?
-PASS-

38. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
NOT THINKING I WAS WORTHY OF HIS LOVE AND ATTENTION..

39. Do you like the person that sits directly across from you at work?
YEAH, THATS MY GIRL...

40. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
JANET JACKSON AND/OR NIA LONG

41. Indoors or Outdoors?
DEPENDS ON THE ACTIVITY...

42. Have you ever crashed your vehicle?
OOH YEAH, TOTALED MY FIRST CAR..MY 1999 OLDSMOBILE ALERO NAMED MALCOLM..

43. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
NOPE

44. Last book you read?
ITS BEEN AWHILE..WHICH IS NOT MY STYLE..UMM..VERONICA DECIDES TO DIE BY PAULO COELO

45. Do you have a teddy bear?
I HAVE MORE THAN ONE..

46. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
BAND CAMP?

47. Somewhere in California you've never been and would like to go?
SAN DIEGO

48. Do you go to church?
I HAVENT BEEN IN A WHILE..I MISS MY CHURCH IN INDIANA..

49. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship?
A NEW CAREER...ID LOVE TO TRY SOMETHING NEW...

50. How long have you been out of school?
HIGH SCHOOL: 9 YEARS IN JUNE
COLLEGE: 5 YEARS IN MAY

all smiles..and thoughts...

2008-01-31T01:39:00.000-05:00

so someone left me a comment about regret and it got me to thinking...

well first i took it personal...especially they way they signed off on the comment...i was perplexed...because i didnt know who this was...and i was disappointed that they didnt leave a name..cause i would like to recall memories of the person i allowed myself to open up to...there are not many who i have let in tht way...

and then i started thinking...maybe its not real tears i have let this person see...i place a lot of my tears on paper...and in this blog....

and then i thought about the regrets part...honestly i think i skimmed it the first couple times i read it...i actually had to make myself read it word for word...and id like to say i didnt do too much reflecting on it but i did...

here is what i came up with: i dont believe i harbor much regret, i refuse to say no regrets because im sure there is something, somewhere inside me...but i like to think that everything i have been through..all my experiences...my obersvations...is me growing...and how can you regret growing? i have so much appreciation for the changes in my life...spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally....i have had pain, and happiness...and everything in between and on either side...and i am blessed...because i am still here, living my life out loud...

so i was thinking if i take all that this anonymous person left literally and to my core as someone who i once knew...i have determined...they dont know me...or at least they dont know this 26 year old woman who is typing this...they may have gotten close to a younger version of shauna...the one who was scared and frontin...skeptical...the one who didnt understand love for self...or at least hadnt gotten her mind wrapped all the way around the concept, lol...

whew...i cant wait until i hit 30...imma be so much more a woman...and when 40 hits...shyt, no one will be able to say anything to me...ill be so grown...watch out!

isnt it great that each day you wake up you are older...you are wiser...life is more fulfilling...well thats my opinion anyway...

you know writing this made me feel...encouraged...before i posted i went and read a bunch of quotes from alice walker, ntozake shanges, nikki giovanni and pearl cleage...those women uplift me everytime i search for them...everytime i seek them out i see something i havent read before...i get so inspired..ill have to make a post one day of just quotes...

my mind's telling me no!

2008-01-25T21:17:00.000-05:00

im going to see katt williams tomorrow...so excited...still dont know what im wearing...you know i have to look good just in case katt sees me from the stage and my beauty gets him excited and he tells one of his people to come get me and take me back stage so then i can tell him that i am flattered that he saw me and wanted to holler and i think he is a talented man and i would love the number to his hair stylist but i am faithful to my man and no glitz and glam can take me away from him but thanks for wanting to meet me..also i am not that kind of girl and i am slightly offended at your proposal...
yeah ok so that can only happen in my overactive imagination..but just in case i need to look cute and coordinated...im thinking skinny jeans, red shoes...and thats all i got so far...

my sweetie is still keeping mum on when he is coming back...all i know is he will be back before valentines day...and im actually not upset at the fact that i am being kept in the dark...i kinda like the surprise factor...the house apartment is clean...my only issue is...well...shaving...im lazy...im really not trying to shave anything until i know its going to be seen...ya feel me? so thats going to be a little tricky...he is either gonna get "fresh and clean," "slightly stubbly" or "da hell is that!?" depending on when he decides to show up...

ive been on gossip site overload...and im doing it to myself...after i get done with my work i start going from site to site to site reading about the "lives" of celebs...guess im more of a pop culture junky then i thought...not only that...my dvr is set to record way too much mtv, vh1 and bet...with all these shows starting new seasons im kinda in couch potato heaven...i already know making the band:battle of the sexes is going to be an interestingly sloppy mess...then the gautlett 3 started this week bringing more drama to my television set...i think im set to record like 8 or 9 more shows...but thats the way i like my drama..on my televsion only...i like MY reality peaceful...

silent tears...

2008-01-16T01:28:00.000-05:00

if you know me, you know i proabably will never let you see me cry...my mama has seen my cry cause, well, she is my mama...one of my best friends andrea saw me cry oooh about 8 years ago..and that lasted for less than 5 minutes...

i guess i dont like to let folks see me get that vulnerable...as open as i am crying is too personal to me...crying takes me to a place i dont feel i can really share with anyone...i have no problem telling someone i cried, after the fact...its definitely something i feel i sould work on, letting my guard down...maybe one day...i told my boyfriend today he made me cry...well he made me tear up for a quick minute but i told him i cried so he would learn a lesson...and he did...i think i scared him when i told him that...

i do cry though...i wonder if i cry enough...is there a quota on tears? i dont like crying..i get a headache afterwards...

a really good book can make me cry or a really good movie...but i usually keep to myself during those moments...

i had a really good cry a couple days ago...tears tend to appear when im having a really deep talk with God...

i was feeling a little lost, helpless, lonely and overwhelmed the other day...pondering my purpose, wondering what my next step is supposed to be, asking Him for guidance...cause sometimes i just dont know which way to turn...asking Him for forgiveness, for mercy, for wisdom, for a sign, an answer...i reached out to God and pleaded for strength and the tears came down...

maybe i should cry more because as much as it hurt, it felt soo good

no headache this time

A year of possiblities

2008-01-06T01:02:00.001-05:00

Happy New Year!

i started my new year on the dance floor...in my sweater dress and stilettos with a glass of champagne and friends on all sides...a great way to ring in a new year...

we ended up starting a small soul train line! you have to LOVE that, LOL

because i had been sick, i told my folks i would drive because i didnt plan on doing too much drinking...i had a cosmo to bring 2007 to a close and the glass of champagne to usher in the new year...followed by some water for balance, lol

and i was happy...i did miss my man as the countdown came to a close...for some reason we always end up celebrating the big holidays apart...we have never spent our birthdays, christmas or new years together, lol...and we are really bad at buying presents for each other too at those times of the year...we are good at presenting each other with little gifts through out the year though..the just because kind og gifts...i think we both would rather surprise each other...dunno...

anyway..watching my coupled up friends kiss at midnight did make me a little jealous...but im sure we will make up for it once he gets back...

in Chinses astrology 2008 is the year of the rat...i went to go look into the meaning and am intrigued..and even more ready to begin this year..here is what i found at chinese.astrology.com:

"The Rat is the first sign of the Chinese zodiac and signifies new beginnings. That makes this year an appropriate time to start new ventures and break new ground. This includes new ideas, directions and ways of doing things. It is a time to experiment and put plans into action, as there will be plenty of opportunities to achieve success. Remember that things began during this year are likely to have long term consequences, so choose your actions wisely to enrich your life.

This year is also an equally good time for thinking and all manner of intellectual endeavors. Planning, scholarship and research, for example, are favorable activities. It is also an auspicious time for the arts; although, under Earth's influence, applied arts such as design and graphics may do best.

Earth favors those who are tied to the land, do a lot of routine work, deal with practical matters or perform work of a spiritual nature. Based on the characteristics of both Earth and Rat, it could be a very good year for those with careers in business, construction, engineering, academia, planning and the clergy.

There is likely to be a focus on career and self-improvement this year, to the detriment of family. Therefore, you need to be attentive and creative so that the family area of your does not suffer. It is, however, a relatively good time to begin a new romance. Those in a relationship may want to consider raising it to the next level, including marriage."

isnt that exciting? possibly because it is the beginning of the new year, full of new possiblities...a time to change for the better...

i told folks on new years eve my resolution would to be more high maintenance on a shoe-string budget, lol...i want to make the effort to take more time to pamper myself instead of rushing around. from home, to work, to wherever...i want to take more time to enjoy getting ready, applying makeup, doing my hair, the little things that are fun for me...that i blow off on a regular day...

on my message board i said my resolution was to keep growing, meaning mentally, emotionally and spiritually and to keep the peace in my house...no drama...just joy...

this is going to be a good year...im claiming it...for myself, for friends, for family...everyone...enjoy the possiblities...

i know what i got now!

2007-12-25T19:14:00.000-05:00

hey Dr. Lyre, i took you and my mama's advice and went to the doctors on Saturday...guess what?!! Toncillitis!! I have been sucking down antibiotics 2wice a day and taking medicine for pain and swelling...i have been misarable...i cant keep too much food down so ive been living on crackers and those little chicken soup at hand by campbells..i tried yogurt...umm noo, body did not like that..i even tried a steak...too ambitious...body said hell no to that too...last night my body let me keep down a couple deviled aggs, surprisingly...

its been me and lily on the couch, sleeping...ive also been getting these hot flashes, my whole body starts sweating...i guess that the infection doing that too me...it sucks...trying to sleep at night is horrible, the doctor gave me some vicodin but that stuff makes me soo grogging, it knocked me out for half a day almost...

Merry Christmas everyone! lol i actually made it to work today..i came in early so i can leave early...i dont even feel bad that im missing the holiday feast my co-workers are preparing...even the smell of some foods makes my tummy do flip flops...ive been at working wishing that when i get home my sweetie will be sitting on the couch waiting to cater to my every need...lol...

well, i better get back at it...right now im freezing, im pretty sur ethat five minutes from now it will be the opposite...yall take care, hug your families! have a blessed Christmas...ill be back when i through taking these antibiotics...

it got me!

2007-12-20T23:12:00.000-05:00

hey yall Happy Holidays!

Im sick!...i thought i had it licked a couple weeks ago...
my throat started feeling a little soar so i started drinking 2 packages of Emergen-C a day, some Zicam and taking TheraFlu at night...i felt better after a couple days so i thought i was all good...

well yesterday the soar throat hit me again...along with a massive sinus headache and some congestion...i left work a little early, went home drank some TheraFlu and passed out...woke up at 7 this morning and took two tylenol and went back to sleep woke up at 11 and took more Tylenol...got to work..more tylenol...

i barely have an appetite...im only eating when i need to take some drugs...well, maybe i can lose the 10 ponds ive been dying to get rid of, lol

my sweetie is gone for the holidays so i dont have anyone to take care of me...i do love that my little lily senses something is wrong and is licking me raw, lol
i love her but she needs to gimme 50 feet...

the hot showers i am taking feel sooo good...i HATE swallowing right now, it takes effort and hurts like hell...im going to the store after work and grabbing some 'tussin and some OJ...i have some mucus sitting in my throat, it wont go anywhere...and i cant seem to cough it up..thats pissing me off...cause i keep having to swallow...

i shoulda called in today but im a dedicated employee...wish i wasnt so damn loyal, lol

my headache is coming back..but...well..im not hungry...issues i know...these are the times i really wish i was closer to my mama so i could just drive home and have her take care of me...

i know its bad when i didnt even finish my cup of coffee this morning...and i am FREEZING...i have had the chills all day...i swear i cant put on enough clothing...

hopefully this will be done with by next week...the sooner the better...i am such a baby when it comes to being sick...my weekend is almost here...i cant wait..so i can lay on my couch and sleep all day...

hope everyone is well and taking care of themselves...kisses and blessings!

this christmas..was a great movie

2007-11-27T23:03:00.000-05:00

is it me or are the holidays not what they used to be?

going christmas shopping and trying to pick out the perfect gift for each person in your life....hiding them when u get home then waiting until night time to wrap them up and stick them under the christmas tree...the tree you helped decorate with ornaments, some from second grade that you made for your mother...baking cookies and watching the christmas movie that TBS ran repeatedly the week before christmas...opening presnts on christmas day, meeting up for chrsitmas dinner with all the family that flew, drove or took trains to get to the house...bringing your tupperware to stock up on food for the next week cause your mother didnt cook (or was that just mine?)

i remember my brother sleeping on my bedroom floor every christmas eve until he was like 19...we would joke around and have some good talks...

i remember being in charge of making the cornbread and opening the cranberry sause for dinner...

one year we did karaoke...my bro and i won...we got money...

the house hold would split once everyone arrived to my aunts house...men/boys downstairs watching the game or playing video games...all the women upstairs putting the finishing touches on dinner, gossiping, offering advice...

i remember my mama buying the chcoclate Tims i wanted...she made me carry the bag home..wrap the boots...fill out a card saying they were from "santa" and then made me put them under the tree until christmas day...

and now...

all the cousins are spread out...aunts and undles have passed away...in the last four years i have been home for the holidays maybe twice...and never stayed more than 3 days...work calls and begs me back...

i was trying to figure out what to get folks for chrsitmas..and all i could come up with was getting everyone gift cards...

am i getting a tree? they are kind of expensive...

and im not TOO sad, i have the memories...i still have my family...and while i wont get to give and receive hugs from everyone...i will call my mamas cell phone and speak to everyone she is near...

my "family" out here..which consists of co-workers and my boyfriend will get together...someone will cook and we will eat, drink and play cards...we will hug and hang out...its not the same as years past...but it will still feel good because i am with people i love...and thinking about people i love

ill miss my aunt's sweet potato pie...and the dressing....mmmm damn...

no, the holidays are not what they used to be...and wont be for a long while...and even when i have my own husband and children (not beofre 30) it wont be what i used to have...but growing is good...i am seeing now that as long as i cherish the memories and keep love in my heart the holidays will always be special...

catchin up...

2007-11-14T00:32:00.000-05:00

life has been flowing for me lately...one day at a time right?
my marine...i mean ex-marine...yes, my man is officially out of the service...with a honorble discharge, lol, i was joking that i wouldnt believe until i saw the papers...so, he showed me the papers, lol...
he decided he wanted to stay here and hang with me for a coupleweeks...hopefully a few weeks before heading back home...well he brought all his stuff in...i didnt realize he had so much stuff...he has more clothes than i do...he hung all his uniforms up in the closet...i want him to put them all on for me so i can take pictures...but he refuses...women love men in uniform right?

its been a week so far and it has been so fun..he has me up every morning running...well jogging...well trying not to fallout..lol...im sore but it feels good and we are doing it together so that makes it more enjoyable...i have been cooking my butt off...so that just voids anything i was trying to accomplish by running..but its fun to have someone to cook for...and he can eat...

omg, he can drink too...ummmm do all men drink that much? he went through a gallon of lemonade in 2 days...even the milk is gone...im down to water...i think im going to have to start buying kool-aid again...just thirsty!

aww, i wish i could post some pics of him and Lily, they are soo cute together...they just cuddle up on the couch and sleep...

my big bro is coming to visit tomorrow from Michigan and he is staying until saturday...i cant wait to see him...he got me, him, my man and my homegirl marie tickets to the lakers/pistons game on friday...we are all going to go hang out in LA for the day and then go to the game...im soo excited...i have to clean the room where he will be staying when i get off work...he is such a fun guy..i hope the guys get along...they are pretty different..but im not too worried my brother can get along with anybody...he is a charmer...did i mention he is single...ill have to post a pic...can u tell i adore the hell out of my brother?

but really thats all thats going on ...its pretty tame over here..just playing house for awhile...work is good...i do love what i do..and i think im pretty damn good at it...but i am getting the itch to try something new...dunno...

i am trying not to be worried about one of my friendships...but i feel like we are growing further apart...we dont talk, we barely text...i feel bad cause im not missing her like i thought i would...i think im slightly in mourning over the relationship...its like i knew her good sides and her faults and right now her faults are glaring at me real hard...and i dont like the feeling..i dont want to be like this..i want to have a great relationship with her like we had in the beginning...but now i know too much about her...read her too well...understand her more than she thinks i do...i see her potenetial for greatness...but she doesnt...and yes, that disappoints me to a certain extent...but i learned a long time ago not to live on what I see in someone but focus in on when they are showing me by their actions...and the actions havent been too kosher...so i dont know, i will continue to pray for her...whether i am in her life or not...i guess thats the best i can do...

how yall doin? how is life? whats good, new, exciting, different?

the new botox

2007-10-19T01:47:00.000-04:00

i swear forget botox for those frown lines and face creases....all you have to do is go get some cornrows slapped in your head...i have never looked up so much in my life...in fact as i type this my head keeps bobbing...

and it all started with a man...isnt it always like that? last weekend my marine told me i would look cute with a head full of braids...and i agreed with him...HA!...only prolem, im not willing to sit in a chair for 8-12 hours and have my hair braided...so of course by monday i had scratched the idea and was already thinking about what store i should i go to to pick up a relaxer...on tuesday my girl rolls into work with some real cute cornrolls...now i live in a place where there are not a lot of black folks, ergo, not a lot of black businesses, meaning, no beauty shops catering to black women, therefore... i HAD to know where she got her braids...and she told of this spot that opened up near the Target store i just about live at...

so of course...i dream of cornrolls that night and how my marine would like them...not micros like he was thinking about...but dammit its a compromise...

so wednesday i went up to the shop and made and appointment and thursday morning i was sitting in a chair while the stylist threw a bag and a half of yakky 1B in my head...

and now thursday night...im sitting at work ready to get home and throw a hot towel over my head and loosen these suckers up...

the things we do for love huh...lol...he better throw compliments at me all weekend for the pain i am going through right now...lol

i took saturday off so it our first full weekend together without me having to work in a long time...so it feels kinda special to us...we are actually making plans to do something other than eat, watch movies and lay up on the couch...which i dont mind but its nice to have something special to look forward too...

i have this killer baby blue dress i bought MONTHS ago and i told him i wasnt going to wear it until i had somewhere special to go...so i get to pull it out this weekend..i hope it still fits...lol..all that eatin and layin up on the couch cant be good...

other than that life is good...my little one, Lily, is getting bigger...and badder...no home training, yeah its my fault...

i am addicted to goodreads.com...so many books, so little time...

i need to drink more water...i was doing good for awhile so i haev to get back into it...along with the gym..i went once this week..not good enough...at least now that i got these braids i dont have to worry about what to do with my hair after the gym...so i have to get back in there and work myself out...i have loaded up my mp3 player, i have enough gym clothes, so i should have no excuses...

i need a little motivation...let me go find some...hold on....

ok, im going to pretend they are my personal trainers and are waiting at the gym for me....im motivated, are you?

lions, tigers and bears..oh my

2007-10-12T02:28:00.000-04:00

sooo...last night was a fun night...im telling you i have a great group of friends/co-workers out here in the desert...they are like the brothers and sisters my mama woulda never had the patience to raise...its a nice mix of cultures and ages and personalities...everyone is odd (including myself)...but we all mesh well...

my boy richy is moving and yesterday was his last day at work...so we had to send him out properly...a group of us met up at our fav bar and had a drink and then headed striaght for the strip club where me and my girl marie bought richy a 25 dollar lap dance...in my mind i was thinking she better grind on him all night and have his babies for 25 dollars...but since it was one of his last adventures in the desert i just passed the money over without a peep...she didnt get a tip though...do you tip for a lap dance? what is 18%?

anyway..i was looking cute...lol...i shoulda took a pic... i wore my fav sweater to work with a beater under it and my fav skinny jeans and my chocolate brown knee high boots...before i left work i ran in the bathroom and took off the beater then in the car on the way to the bar i took my jeans off and pulled the sweater down...skillz! i now had on a sweater dress with my bomb ass boots and was ready to shake my ass...or watch some ass shake...well actually at the strip club we went to i watched bones rub together cause those chicks had no ass...except for the last chick of the night, mercedes...i think she mesmerized our whole group...she got lots of dollar bills...

after that we caravaned to my apartment for a night cap...marie made grilled cheese sandwiches, i made scrambled eggs and warmed up some baked spaghetti...basically food to settle stomachs and sober up minds...

i woke up this morning and my place was a hot mess...soo i popped some tylenol, made some coffee and made sure my place was spotless before leaving for work...

i cant stand clutter...when things are out of order i feel stifled...i have just given into the fact that i need neatness and order and a schedule of sorts...organization keeps me from going crazy...even when im being lazy its almost a calculated lazy..a well thought out laziness?...while i am go with the flow in most cases my internal clock is very precise...

i like how i am though...as i should huh? if i dont, who will? by organizing my life and keeping clutter at bay, my mind stays clear and i am able to focus...i am able to reach out to others because i am not worried about the little things that could distract me and pull my attention away...this is possibly why i am a decent listener...well that and the fact it takes me awhile to analyze things...therefore i am not one to rush into things or advice...im not the fast answer person...im not the one to go to for a quick fix...i suppose that good...although it also has its set backs...

ok, that was fun..i just sat here and analyzed myself...well thats needed at times...still funny how i went from the strip club to keeping my mind at ease...maybe thats why so many folks frequent strip clubs...to ease their minds...step away from lifes realities...letting the mind wonder along with the eyes...

back to square one...

2007-09-30T02:45:00.000-04:00

its been awhile...
if you have stopped by you may have noticed that for the past couple of days i have been fiddling with my template..i have been trying to find something that fits me...i think right now this one does..it look so peaceful and calm..and thats how i have been feeling this week..finally...
my heart and soul have been feeling rather light...and i feel really good about that because i could defintely let the changes in my life sway me...but i dont...im feeling positive..i feel wiser..is that possible? well i dont know but i do..i feel more in touch with my emotions than i have in awhile...not afraid of them or afraid of expressing them...im open to being vulnerable again...its refreshing...
the past couple months below the surface i had been feeling angry...and i didnt like it...and the thing is i was angry over things i could not change...that i had no control over...so as much as i could control myself, i couldnt control the anger eating away at me and it was just making me feel awful..i was harboring my true feelings because i didnt want to hurt someone close to me...and i was hurting myself in the process...

so lets see...
my relationship is good...we hit the 10 month mark this month...this is the longest relationship i have ever been in...it feels good...i know its not much for most folks but a milestone for me...i actually crave him sometimes...especially during the week when we are apart..i look forward to my weekends and knowing that i get to wake up next to him, i get to make him coffee in the morning and/or breakfast..it really touches something in me and i like it...i dont get to pamper a lot so being in this relationship allows me to do that...and knowing he appreciates the things i do makes it even better...

my roomie moved out earlier this week...nothing to do with our relationship, although i defintely see that it will probably change since we are not in each others lives daily...i told her to do what she needs to do to be happy...or to try and be happy...i also told her that we have a lease and as long as i dont have to worry about her part of the rent im fine...i read the girl so well...more than she knows, i just keep quiet on a lot of stuff...probably why i was getting so angry...so i guess not having to bite my tongue has really loosened me up...part of me feels like i should be missing her..but i havent yet...im sure i will eventually...especially on those nights i come home and there is no one to talk too...
so now its just me and my little lily..she is growing so fast...she has to get spayed soon...i almost feel sad, like part of her innocence will be gone...is that crazy? i was holding her earlier today cradled in my arms like a little baby, and she started falling asleep while i patted her softly on the back..it was soo cute...she def brings out my maternal side...

so you see why im feeing peaceful...i have more time to myself, so that i can get lost in my thoughts, no distractions...i dont have to sensor myself or deal with uneeded drama...i hope i will be blogging a little bit more...like i used to ..maybe some creative stuff...

part of me feels so free...light...female..i feel sensual and happy...whole...i hope this new template reflects that....hi Lyre, Sev, JB...ive been keeping up with yall...*BIG HUGS*

congrats Nah on your beautiful bride and wedding..you deserve the all the love in the world...seeing those photos makes me wanna have a wedding..i stil got a few years though..lol...

journal entry: dumping it out

2007-09-12T00:58:00.000-04:00

sometimes i want to tell my friends what i think their issues are...but why?...i know i cant do that especially when i have my own to worry about...plus my friends know what their issue are...id be preaching to the choir...how do you know your issues and not feel compelled to work on them? that scares me...its almost like you dont want to grow, to change...fear will keep you locked in your old habits...but who am i to judge..no one...why am i acting like i know it all? i still have so much more to learn...but i guess i just want to plant seeds...give folks something to think about...like i had to do...so many times i had to pick myself up and find my own way...learn to meditate on life, on behaviors on wants, on needs, on peace, on words...its like a transformation...you must become self-aware...i am striving for more inner peace...i have a quite a bit...i could be more patient and understanding...i do judge...i try not to...but i am also human...i know i have a way of making people scared to disappoint me and that may not be a good thing...i am not seeking perfection in people...i am seeking honesty, honesty with themselves about who they are, what they believe and for them to not be ashamed to admit the shyt they dont like about themselves...if you cant be honest with yourself, if you live a life where you are constantly lying to yourself...then who in the world should trust you?...if you dont trust you...i guess i crave openness in all aspects of my life which can sound hypocritical to some because many feel like they never really get to know me but i am open, my life my love is open...if u ask the right questions at the right time...and actually listen...i will tell, i will give, but i dont feel the need to give every single detail of my being to every single person i come across...i am too precious for that, my thoughts, my laughter, my heart is too precious for that....

im becoming a mama!

2007-08-19T01:30:00.000-04:00

i went out to the bar after work with my girl the other day...my co-workers were all meeting up to hang out and just chill ..i mean shut down the bar...yeah, they are a rowdy bunch...

so i get there a little after midnight...and im ready to go about 30 mnutes later...i didnt even order a drink...

i was at the bar and all i could think about was getting home to her...

i plan on throwing up som birthday pics soon....and i bought a new laptop..i should get it early next week..i cant wait!

snatched of myspace...

2007-08-10T02:12:00.000-04:00

What is your REAL name?: Shauna

What is your REAL age?: 26

Any kids?: nada

Live alone?: nope

Are you a lover or a fighter?: 100% lover

What is your favorite genre of music?: 90's r&b

Would you lie to protect someones feelings?: yes

Do you prefer to love or be loved?: how about both?

Who do you miss right now?: my marine and my girls

What is the greatest gift someone can give you?: their trust and their honesty

Are you a good friend?: i try to be

Are you happy with yourself mentally?: yeah, i may think too much sometimes though, but i can dig that

What would you change physically about yourself?: i would put a new relaxer in my head...way past due!

Are you gullable?: sometimes

Who is your bestest friend?: i have more than one

If you saw a person trip and fall, what is your first reaction?: depends on who fell

Are you seeing anybody right now?: yessss *blush*

Would you pick up a hitch-hiker?: ummm oh no...mama didnt raise no fool

When you see a homeless guy begging for money, do you give it to him?: if i have it, i dont carry cash most of the time

Do you consider yourself a good person?: i try to be

What is your flaw?: im stubborn and moody

Have you ever cheated on your mate?: the one i have now? not a chance...

Do you put others needs before your own?: sometimes, not often

What is the one thing that everybody says you are?: cool

Describe your personality with 1 word?: chill

What is your idea of a perfect date?: dinner at a resturant's patio, maybe a walk downtown after, followed by cuddling on the couch watching a movie

Do you have a criminal record?: nope

Ever been fired from a job?: nope

Would you help a friend fight even though she started it?: yes, but i cant fight so my friends know not to start nothing unless they are with more than just me

Do you hold your friends hair when she's throwing up?: of course

How would you tell someone that they had bad breathe?:oooh, id offer up a mint..but id act like i was getting one first and then just offer them one not to be rude

Would you bail your friend out of jail?: if i had the money

Are best friends really forever?: not all the time

Describe the perfect evening at home?: wine or champagne, a good book or good movie, music, my girls, food

Do you pick a fight on purpose just to have makeup sex?: naw, but he might like it if i did

If you could change the world, what would you do first?: peace

Can you swim?: nope

Do you like bugs?: nope

Do you stop and smell the flowers?: yeah, when im in the grocery store, lol

Do you pray?: YES

Do you knowingly break the law?: well, i will go around the store and eat candy..and i may sometimes hide the wrapper before i get to the counter...is that illegal?

Ever committed a felony?: nope

Do you like thunderstorms?: as long as im not alone they are fine

Do you curse?: like a sailor around my girls

What is your favorite past time?: talking

If you could be with anyone in the world, who would you choose?: myself

If you are in an altercation, do you throw the first punch?: i would let them hit first that way i could press charges

When you are sad, do you cry or hold it in?: ill cry

If your house is on fire, whats the first thing you'll grab?: my phone and wallet

Are you materialistic?: borderline

Ever been called a gold-digger?: nope

Are you a giver or a taker?: im partial to both

Have you ever made fun of someone?: ummm....yes

Can you love 2 people at the same time?: i believe so

Is making love and sex 2 different things?: i believe so...one can always lead to the other...

Do you agree with this saying.."Its better to have loved than never to have loved at all." sure

Are you a homophobic?: nope

Do your friends come to you for advice?: if they want a real answer they do

If I were to open the trunk of your car, what would I find?: nothing, its empty

If ur mom wanted to see the pics on your phone, would you let her?: ummmm...uhh...welll....some of them...lol

If you saw a stranger getting beat up, would you help?: i call the police

Your Motto: dont worry, it will get done...worrying wont get you through it any faster

ink on my skin....

2007-08-09T00:26:00.000-04:00

did i tell yall i got a new tattoo?
its cute!
its on my lower back and its pretty classy if i do say so myself...
its a heart with a little somethin extra around it...
i would post a pic but the one i took on my phone show a little piece of my crack...and we dont need that on this blog...

ok thats all...for now....

is my name slim shady?

2007-08-07T22:21:00.000-04:00

i must walk around with a look on my face that says, "hey stranger, please say some random comment to me" or maybe there is sometihng written on my forehead that says, "talk to me, I care about what you have to say"

If so...i need to work on walking around with a mean mug on or find some new face wash...
For example...at work I had to run to my car to grab some change cause I was thirsty...as I am walking back to the building a woman ive seen, but don’t even know her name..comes up to me and says, "look over there, there is a road runner up on that rock" now being the nice person I am I didn’t say "yeah so"...said "oooh really where," i even proceeded to shield my eyes from the sun and say, "oh wow look at that"...must have satisfied her because she said "yeah isnt it neat" and she walked away....for a moment I wondered if she pointed it out to me becaues I was black...like being black and living in the desert I wouldn’t have noticed a road runner by now...

Or how about...i love the security guard at work to death...but sometimes I find myself staring intently at my computer when he comes around so that I wont catch his eye...cause I swear if I catch his eye its over...ill be stuck in a 20 min conversation about car engines...which I know nothing about...I have an impala, as long as I can go fast,I got gas and no lights are blinking at me telling me I need to change something or check something...I don’t really give a rats ass...

Random people seem to find me in stores and ask me questions about products I don’t use...like I work for the company...I go out to dinner or drinks with the girls and alla sudden random people are trying to sit with us...
it reminds me of thanksgiving you cant wait to sit at the big peoples table...well thses folks just grab a chair and introduce themselves...sometimes thats cool...sometimes its not...my girl, unrestrictedgenius, over there in my blog roll, has a story about what happened to us friday night...she is nicer than me....btw, im the one kicking her chair all damn night...

Im a nice person...generally...although ive had friends tell me i need to be more sensitive...my roomie just informed me that i dont cry enough...

but im think im a nice person because I tend to indulge these random people so I wont seem rude...but dammit some days I really just don’t care...and I look back and realize I can never get those moments back..they were stolen from me...by folks I don’t know...don’t care to know...and who I will never see again...i coulda spent those stolen moments pondering the meaning of life...

I know I sound real mean or snotty right now...that’s okay...we all have our days...

Im just trying to figure out what it is about me that makes people comfortable approaching me with their random shyt...

btw...im back in the gym....ever since my boyfriend pointed out he has 4% body fat...i have felt the desire to reduce some of the fat on my frame...not too much though...
but i did this ab workout the other night...my muscles right under my breasts are aching...it also happens to be the exact spot where the under wire in my bra rests...its soo uncomfortable...im sitting at work now wishing i could take off all this hardware and let my girls dangle freely...

day dreamin and im thinkin of you...

2007-07-31T23:05:00.000-04:00

i was re-reading my Vibe Vixen and saw a cute question that they asked their editors and writers for the issue...and i started trying to think of my own answer..

the question: what is you midsummer night's dream?

it was such a cute question...i had some ideas..then i asked my girls and realized i was limiting myself...they were dreaming about trips to figi and italy....shoo, i was just thinking about going back to atlanta...lol...

and i thought well hmm let me think broader...but i couldnt..as much as i want to visit these exotic places all i could think about was atlanta...

so here is my dream...im going to keep it simple..try not to write too much...leave room for my imagination to feed off of later...

i have the warehouse loft of my dreams, located in midtown or downtown atlanta...and no rent, lol..its just mine...i have a steel gray BMW convertible and black range rover parked in my garage...
i have my girls over and we are drinking champagne and snacking on goodies while getting ready to go out...
and by my girls i mean all my girls...my college ladies, my cali ladies, my michigan ladies, my fellowship ladies...all my ladies...together in one space....yes, my loft is huge, lol

we go out to a fab dinner at one of my fav italian places, Brio...then off to a rooftop party where we dance the night away...and after we are good and toasty and sweaty from dancing...we end up at waffle house for some late night grease...lol

in the morning i wake up to the smell of coffee and mcdonald mcgriddles...my marine has come over to surprise me with breakfast cause he is just sweet like that..and he knows mcgriddles are my crack...we cuddle on the couch while we eat and talk and laugh...we take a hot shower together and end up in the bedroom for some bonding time, lol...

okay thats as far as i got....lol...

had some more ideas but...hanging with friends and loving down my man seemed to be a good enough dream for the moment...
so..

whats your midsummer nights dream?

whats been going on?

2007-07-25T00:54:00.000-04:00

its long..enjoy...

is it narcissistic to think that folks really wanna know what going on in my life?
so a few weeks ago i got in a car accident on the way to pick up my marine from the airport...begin who i am, and full of steam/adrenaline at the time...i called my girls, got my car towed, called my insurance company, called my parents, got everyones info, secured a rental..and within 2 hours was back on the road to pick up my huny....of course being out of it and going to an airport i never been to before i got lost...but we made it back home...oh, but i felt it the next day...especially because me and my huny stayed up til at least 4 a.m. watching tv...and other things, lol....i had to take him back to base the next day before going to work..i was totally out of it..i made it through most of the day and told my boss i had to take some sick hours...i just really needed some sleep and a long, steamy shower....oh and on the way home from the airport my guy tells me that he is going to be on some training mission in the desert for a month....a month...

so that was about 2 weeks and some change ago...he managed to call me for my birthday on the 11th..i didnt think id hear from him because it phone doesnt work out there...but he found a way to give me a call and tell me happy birthday...i cant tell you how happy that made me...

my girls ushered in my b-day week/vacation with a brunch..they called over all the girls and we had mismosas and a big buffet of food..it was fun, real relaxed and just chill...we went through about 3 bottles of champagne that day...

the day after my b-day i flew home for a few days to see my family...i foulnd that i dont have a room anymore...my grandma moved in to my old bedroom and they other bedroom is now an office...so i had the couch...but it was great..i hadnt spent that much time at home in a couple years...i hung out with friends, shopped, hit a couple clubs, went to cchurch and just relaxed...it was a great time...i really missed my family...oh and i ate too..i ate EVERYTHING...krispy kreme is the devil! i think i hit almost every resturant that i miss...

but now im back...my huny called (i warned yall a long time ago i was going to talk about his ass repeatedly, so dont get all huffy) me last week and told me they had a 24 hour leave over the weekend...you know i was TOO excited...and i also realized i had been slacking in the shaving department..i was a HOT MESS yall...and so i had to handle that...it took a minute too....it was bad...

so after all that he texts me saturday morning and tells me he cant come...so me being the understanding *cough, cough* girlfriend that i am told him that is was ok and that i understood...i was kinda pissed though....so me and my roomie get up, make some coffee and are having a catch up session....since she works days and i work night we dont see each other during the week...se we are chillin, playing with the puppy and having a good start to our saturday morning when the doorbell rings...yall, im simple....real simple...im thinking its our girl marie...but uh, marie has a key....its my baby...he wanted to surprise me...but he has a key to so it didnt even cross my mind that he would be at the door...my shaving did not go in vain...HA....

i still had to work that day but he had plans to meet up with his boys so i wasnt worried about having to entertain him...after i got off me and my girl marie went to the house and had 2 bottles of wine, lol..and some tacos!...lol we were TOASTED...and in walk him, his boys and my roomie...and they were toasted....so we all huing out being stupid til about 4 in the morning...me and my huny got some much needed time just to be in each others faces...yall, i love that man...yeah i said it...im kinda hardcore and when it comes to being in love and being mushy but yeah well...im there...and not uncomfy at all and love being around him...and he is the same way...

well he is back in the desrt now for 2 more weeks...and i am missing him like crazy...i think i wore one of his shirts for almost two days, until it stopped smelling like him and started smelling like me..and well i needed to shower...lol...

so here i am at work right now...i think thats my update....oh i ran into the most triflin starbucks when i was in the detroit airport...i get off the plane, after hardly any sleep..i see the big, bright starbucks sign and get excited...i wait in line for almost 15 minutes..i order a grande non-fat mocha...i pay my money, and get my drink...and walk away....i was thinking to my self"this cup feels kinda light" i take a sip....its nonfat milk, and cream...no mocha, no espresso...and i dont have time to go back cause my mama is outside, parked illegally at the airport waiting for me...so on the way back to cali..i end up at the same starbucks...i said to myself...let me try this again..but its late, im ging to order a tall green tea/lemonade...i shoulda known by the way they were bumpin mary j. blige all XTRA loud....but im one to give the benfit of the doubt right....they ask if i want my tea sweetened...yes...yall...that tea...Lawd help me...she must have thought i ordered kool-aod cause there was more sweetener than lemonade...yall..i know i should went back and told them to redo it..but i didnt have the energy..i was thinkin "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me"...i knew better but nope i chose to play myself...so me and my kool-aid tea and my vibe vixen found a corner and sat until it was time for me to board...

oh, for my birthday i bought myself a new journal..im thinking new journal for a new year...i have to through a couple thoughts i wrote in it on here...i try and call myself getting deep every once in awhile....k, now i have to go update my other blog...so if yall know the name of that blog look for something soon...

whats been up in your life? spill it!

been on vacation...

2007-07-17T20:35:00.000-04:00

from work and from blogging..but im back..and i got stories, lol....my birthday week was the BOMB..i got photos! a have a few reflections too...*WAVING* to the few people who actually read this tiny blog....ill be updating soon....oh, i got in a car accident but im okay...i went home to visit the fam in michigan and they are thriving...kinda....lol...im missing my man...2 more weeks and he will be in my arms...yeah ill be back...details to come.....MUAH

Def Jam Poetry - Jill Scott "Nothing Is For Nothing"

2007-06-21T00:16:00.001-04:00

More Lily!

2007-06-02T02:34:00.000-04:00

disecting the journey

2007-06-01T02:19:00.000-04:00

ive been reading 'When chickenheads come home to roost again" by joan morgan even though this book was placed on the shelves in 1999 i still cant get enough of it....i let a friend of mine borrow my copy..then i just decided to go ahead and let her keep it...that book granted me with some knowledge and i hope she will get as much out of it as i did...that book along with Racism 101 by Nikki Giovanni and the choreopoem For colored girls...have always touched something in my soul...there was a time when i had to read something out of one of those books just to make me feel like life was giong to be alright...
i have added jill scotts poetry book to me list because i swear she has been in my head...its funny how soo many women can share such a collective experience...my girl marie has the book too and was showing me one of the poems at work the other day...i said girl, i know, as soon as i read that one, i identified...marie gave me a look and said "i just cant believe that you were ever that lost"...hmmmph...back in the day i was choking myself out...i was dying inside...i wish i could explain the pain...the restlesness in my soul...i now know im not alone, and never was...that there are soo many women out there who can feel me...and some who are there now and will understand one day...i dont know the exact day the flip in my brain switched...but im grateful it did...i was a scared little girl perpatrating as a grown ass woman...i think about those times often...God looks after children and fools, and i was both...i suppose thats why i have so much to thank Him for...

but i didnt even mean to go there today in this post...i meant to post a few things from chickenheads...imma post a little something in a minute just because it was my intent...im feeling reflective right now though...

i have a good man...i love to talk about him...sometimes i keep my mouth shut just because well, some things are best left between a woman and her man...but he is a great guy...he is special...and i think to myself wow, girl you have come a long way...i told him i picked him for myself..which i did...spotted him at the bar, saw his Tims were abnormally clean for being in the environment we were in and told my girl that he was mine...i took him home with me that night...damn i hope my mama never reads this..lol...he came back the next weekend with his toothbrush...and we are still growing...he is an enigma at times, but i like that about him...we have a sort of bond where we dont have to speak all the time which i find special...ok my reason for saying all that is this...i am a good woman who deserves a good man in her life...and i got him...but if i hadnt spent time working on me and learning myself i never would have gotten the chance to know what a special man he is...i wouldnt have been ready to allow him in my life...if i hadnt have taken time to be alone for awhile and processed my past behaviors and my past relationships he would have walked by me...i believe God places things you want and ask for in front of you when you are ready to handle them and when you can appreciate them...when i met him i was scared, i told him the first month we were together he always made me nervous....ummm, men dont make me nervous so i knew something was up...

i dont know why im writing all of this now, and im sure im repeating things i have written before...but i feel okay about that...im just.....happy...

and i have God to thank for that...and im glad he allowed me to pick up those books written by my sisters to show me that being a woman is a complex thing and there is nothing wrong with not knowing the answers...and that growing and learning and striving to become a complete package is an everyday thing...life has valley's and mountains...somedays u may be lost in the valley, other days you may be relishing the mountain top..i guess the idea is to embrace the journey..

ok, here is a piece from chickenheads...

"ultimately, healing relationships between black men and women depend on our ability to forgive. one of the most toxic by-products of black folks' history is an anger rooted in centuries of racism and human suffering. an anger black men and women, however unwittingly, are quick to turn on each other. its time to acknowledge it, and then let it go. if not for our sakes then for the sakes of our children."

joan morgan is quoting Marita Golden in this passage:
"african-american women must forgive the real and imagined crimes of their sons' fathers. we must resist the urge to visit upon all the men in our lives the bitterness and pain planted by incompetent fathers or disappointing lovers...and we must forgive black men for not protecting us against slavery, racism, white men, our confusion or their doubts. and black men have to forgive black women for our own sometimes dubious choices, divided loyalties and lack of belief in their possibilites...only when our sons and daughters know that forgiveness is real, existent, and that those who love practice it, can they form bonds as men and women that really can save and change out community."

Im a mama!!

2007-05-15T22:46:00.000-04:00

Meet Lily

She is a Shih Tzu...8 weeks old

my roomie leslie and i had been talking about gettign a puppy...then we deicded we should probably get a cat...so yesterday we went to the shelter to go pick out a kitten...well, we are kinda slow in the mornings...so we didnt end up leaving the house until after 4...then we decided to go grab something to eat first...so we end up getting to the shelter after 5...they closed at 4...so we said oooh well lets go to pet smart and just look around..so thats what we did...then just on a whim we went to this other little pet store across the way...we walked in and there was lily...and it was over...love at first sight...my wallet is crying though...leslie said we will be living on top ramon for a little while...lol...uh no...

so we picked up a few things to get us through the night...my boyfriend called, he was at the apartment chillin, he had just come down from base...yeah he has a key...i know...i was like we will be home in a sec...he had told us the other week that we didnt need a dog...lol...so i didnt say anything...got home and walked in the house and he just cracked up...i told les not to tell him how much we paid for her cause he would give me the crazy look...of course she slipped up and spit it out anyway...and yep. ya girl got the crazy look...

but as soon as i put lily on the couch she headed right for mr. marine...flirting all ready...i swear she was switchin...so already loves her..lol...they were hanging tight on the couch...

the three of us and lily ran out a little later for ice cream and decided to kinda stroll downtown while we were out...i love that its warm now it was about 9p.m. and it was around 80 outside..it was a nice night...of course my man decided that he was going to hold lilyfor most of the evning...lol...later on i guess she looked up at him and he said "ooh, ok i think im in love"...lol..too cute..

thing is leslie and i are suckers...lily is going to be a spoiled little brat...and she has already peed in every room in the house already...and took a couple dumps in the living room...anyone have any potty training tips cause im clueless...we put her in her puppy holder last night so she could go to sleep...umm yeah...she started scratching and squealing and whimpering...needless to sa she slept with leslie last night...who then decided to wake me up early this morning by dumping her in my bed...lily had already peed twice and pooped in the wrong placed this morning so leslie decided it was time to go get her nails done, lol...

but this should be a great adventure..she is the sweetest thing in the world..loves to cuddle...she also loves to bite on my nails and lick my toes...we got her a doggy toy..shoe dont want it..i gave her some tupperware lids and she is in heaven...she is going to fit right in with this backward family...

TOOO FUNNNY!

2007-04-15T01:44:00.000-04:00

Madea Black Movie Awards

starving...

2007-04-11T01:20:00.000-04:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAMA!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!

my mom doesnt ready my blog but i feel the need to say it anyway....

ok so since i wrote that last entry....i have still yet to write anything...

i did manage to read two books though...watch a few movies....clean the kitchen several times (it relaxes me)....start in on a couple magazines...think about going to the gym...get my nails done...sit on the phone and chat with my man...hang out with the girls...get hit on by a senior citizen....have Easter enchiladas and champagne (gotta love having a Mexican roomie who likes to cook)...found a couple new places to chill at around town... bought some flowers for the house (irises, so pretty)....

but...no writing...no spark...dunno why im looking for a spark but i am...

i was thinking about how much i miss my huny...he has some kinda training in some other state for a month...he has been gone almost two weeks....and im pitiful...i didnt think i would miss him like this...but i do...my girls think its cute....umm i dont...im ready for him to come back...so we can curl up on the couch and watch movies...go to the mall...have sex...real good sex...i noticed the other day that ive been sleeping on his side of the bed...and i hate that side of the bed...i just wanna hug him...give him a shoulder massage...make him a cup of coffee...yeah i got it bad....lol...

but i cant get a poem or nuthin out of any of that...lol...maybe im not trying hard enough...considering i havent actually picked up a pen and notepad and sat down...im just walking around hoping something hits me...lol...i need to DO BETTER...im partially motivated..i cant wait for my mind and my heart to connect so that i can write something im proud of...

marie...stop laughing at me...i know u r reading this...lol...yeah u know your girl is a mess.....

getting my OOMPH back....i hope

2007-04-06T02:48:00.000-04:00

i havent written a poem in 2 years...2 years...sad...i decided to sift through the poetry forum on my message board...and i found a bunch of stuff i wrote...i dunno why i stopped...maybe reading over some of my old stuff will inspire me to write again...or maybe not...maybe someone will enjoy these...or maybe not....ahhhh welll...i like 'em...

*Rush*
u always find a way
to situate yourself back into my life
i used to like that about you
you kept my mind stimulated
with your dramatic acts
but
now i wish you would stay away
you are always in this hypnotic rush
to prove to yourself
that im still open?
trying to rush my emotions
trying to convince me
that my feelings for you
remain the same
that my heart still beats to your rhythm
we havent been in syncopation
for quite a long time
but my ego make me
ssshhhhhhh....
because honestly
i like to see you rush
because when we were together
you never did
you cruise controlled your way into my world
but
now you rush
hoping to sweep me up in your fantasy
and i hang on
because
i always love to hear you say
you miss me
and you are sorry
and you arent over me
i have 20 bucks
that says you really are
u just dont want to admit it
but
thats your demon
so
you keep rushing
stumbling over your own heart
trying to take back
a love
thats gone....

*Broken Consentration*
i was trying to read about how
ntozake's colored girls had considered suicide
and leroi was trying to explain to me
why he changed his name to baraka
but all i could think about was how inviting you lips looked
all of a sudden the roar of langstons rivers
sounded like your laugh
and zoras eyes might have been watching God
but i was lost deep in yours
and i couldnt comprehend
why alice was going on about the color purple
because all i was aware of
was the mohagony color of your skin
every fiber in my body was trying
to pay attention to richard and his boy bigger
but i kept getting distracted by your long slender fingers
so i gave up on them and i came to you
and even ms militant giovanni had to crack a smile
at how perfect
i fit in your lap

*i can only write love poems*
i have discovered
that i can only write
love poems
there are no poems
about my rent being due
or my cable being cut off
i havent been able to find inspiration
in my vanilla scented candles
or daises
or those hershey bars with almonds i crave
for some reason
i can only write love poems
i cant describe the glow of the moon
that eminanted through my window last night
or explain the oranges, read and violets
of the sunrise that awakened me this morning
its so amazing
but since i met you
i can only write love poems
mr. shakespeares iambic pentameter
doesnt give me enough creative license
to descibe your eyes
and renaissance prince haki madhubuti's haiku's
dont have enough syllables
to express my feelings about your smile
i almost got frustrated
because
i can only write love poems
i mean poems about you
cause my mind
cant fathom
writing anything else

*silences*
it is always in silence
the silence between the time someone takes a breath
and finally reaches for the lips of another with their own
the absorbtion of the contact,
the feel of tongues dancing together in unison,
the longing look of passionate exchanges to come
it is always in silence
the acceptance of secret places
being caressed and arroused
the reality that a shared wanting
will be revealed
it is always in the silence
that two people share
after being entwined and intermingled
the insecurity and the hope
that lay between them
and keep them intrigued
it is always the silences
that teach about life
the silences
balance the questions
and prepare those
who are not ready
to start realizing the answers
it is always in the silences
where love can grow
the silence can be deafening
to those not ready to listen....

*Hello*
so i am waiting for you to call
and im mad because i am waiting
and pissed off at myself
for realizing that i keep picking up the phone
checking the dial tone
obviously things have changed between us
specifically around the same time
that you said nothing would
and while i do accept that
i still just want you to call one more time
not really even to dwell
on things that have gone down between us
but just to hear one last excuse
or one last answer to a question
i never asked i guess im just looking
for a reason to hang up the phone one last time

*Wrong flavor*
i see you are curious,
you wonder what i taste like
and if you will get a chance to position your body horizontal
to my heart
tasting me takes time
i understand your willingness to woo me
you have been told stories about my eyes
and wonder if you are underestimating the power of my lips
tasting me takes time
i need you to know my history
because then you will begin to understand
my craving for chocolate and candles
which filters into my future (and possibly yours)
tasting me takes time
are you ready to invest your thoughts
do you dare see me as i see myself
are you prepared for all that i have to offer
because tasting me takes time
and many have run out of time
trying to taste the wrong flavor

can i get some?

2007-03-31T02:58:00.000-04:00

ive never been a very sensitive person...i have compassion, sympathy..i care....i just dont show it very well...i dont think i cry enough...my "college sweetheart" yeah we broke up over the phone while i was at the hair salon...my stylist finished my hair, i got in the car and i cried for maybe 10 minutes...by the time i arrived back on campus, my eyes were dry and i was trying to figure out what i was wearing to whatever party later that night...and that man was my love...

my brother has always been more sensitive...he knows exactly what to say in just about every situation dealing with other peoples emotions...and i envy that...i love watching him with people he has such charm and charisma...i bet he could get along with just about anyone...but dont get it twisted...he has a temper...you just dont see it too often...its something how the sweetest people are the ones who you know to stand clear from when they blow up cause its gonna be ugly...i think we actually may share that trait...

yeah but me...i can be standoffish at first...possibly even cold...depending on the circumstance...i need to warm up to people..im not people person right off the bat...i got this professional cool thing going for me...which can be a hinderance, or misunderstood..

when i was 2 i wouldnt go give my aunt a hug...instead i latched on to my mama and stuck a thumb in my mouth...my aunt called me stuck up...stuck up at age 2....lol...naw, i was just my mama's baby...

im still not stuck up...i have my moments where i just dont wanna deal with some folks...though i may give some folks crazy ass looks cause they say some dumb shyt...

so back to this sensitivity thing...im blunt...i dont really sugar coat...i cant lie for shyt...lying does me no good cause my face shows everything...

my cali girls have made me more aware of this sensitivity thing...they show all kinds of emotions...u know when they r hurt, u know when they are angry...foreign shyt to me, i swear i must wear some kind of veil over my emotions...well know not really...let me rephrase..my girls are vocal..if they are mad, the yell, when they are hurting, they cry...i dont think they have ever heard me yell...and the only reason one of girls saw me crying is because we decided to watch the movie the notebook..and if u dont cry during the notebook then you must really be out of touch...cause that movie will get you alll caught up...

so im not vocal...but you will know when i have an issue...im a spoiled brat an stubborn...i admit this...so if something is wrong...i wont speak, i wont look at anyone, i will barely engage in convo...if i get mad in the car, hold on to your seat...but i found i process slower...emotions simmer in me...they dont boil over...i have to process shyt out before i can talk about it...if i ever do say a word...shyt, this is why i write...i get all my thoughts out...then i get over it...

not the best way to deal with stuff cause a lot of times folks dont know what the hell went down...i feel that my girls are more honest with their shyt cause they let it all out at once...i let shyt flow through me...ya girl dont use her words...never have...maybe one day i will...dunno...but i might not use my words all the time but i also dont let folks run me over...i hope folks know their place with me...i try and make that clear...sometimes it works...sometimes it fails...such is life...ya learn, you grow...you keep pushin...

ok so one of my girls tells me i need to be more sensitive...and i try to explain to her its not that i want to be insensitive...i just process shyt differently...if someone tells me some sensitive shyt...it takes me a minute to wrap my heard around it..then i wonder if they want advice, or just an ear...sometimes my intuition is right, sometimes wrong...now...sometimes i say my first thought on the matter...and a lot of times i dont because i know its going to be harsh...but my face says it all and well we end up in a bad situation...and alla sudden im insensitive...gots to be more careful with those faces...but shyt, who am i foolin, that aint gonna change...

i guess because i rationalize things before i throw any emotion into it...my face shows the the rational...but i guess since the emotion takes a minute, no one gets to see that part and it is left buried inside me...ergo....im not sensitive...

i call up my mama and ask her if i am a sensitive person....my mama laughs...then she goes "huh?" (stalling)

then she laughs again...and says no

but you know what else my mama said..."shauna dont change for anyone"...

feeling a little dark today...

2007-03-09T02:08:00.000-05:00

im fnally settled into my new place...ive been moved in since last week but i finally managed to start feeling comfortable yesterday when i got my room the way i wanted it...i put my canopy up above my bed, threw on my fav comforter and finally got all the clothes off of my floor and my teddy bears situated...i dont know why i take those teddy bears everywhere...habit i guess...i still have suitcases of books all over my room...i have two of my bookcases filled but i plan on buying new ones so i decided not to unpack the rest...but i cant wait until i do, i dont like having my books out of order...my collection is too precious to me...

i found an old journal of mine the other day...well not found but i actually opened it and read it...some of the stuff i have posted on this blog..i cant believe Spelangel has been up for more than two years...but reading a lot of my old thoughts really got to me...i feel so much older than the person who wrote all those words....i even read a few parts of the entries to my girls...ive come a long way in a short time..im just now realizing that...it feels good but i know there is still so much more...

i was in my car on the way to work and almost broke down crying...ive been feeling overwhlemed, worn out and tired the past couple of weeks and i couldnt shake it off...it dawned on my today...my soul is tired...just tired...ive been a shoulder for my friends..and while i dont mind being their for my friends..because i love them...im carrying the burden of their dramas...exactly what i didnt want to do to..i mean i do in the since that i want to be there for them but i cant carry their issues and mine...i got to give that up now...i had to ask God to take some of this...to relieve me...because i was doing too much on my own...im just wore out, that inner peace that usually surrounds me has been shaken and i cant be everything for everybody...ive head tension headaches, bodyaches, if i can get EXTRA personal...my period lasted a day and a half...that aint right..i cant even bleed right...im stressed..and im not the one with the issues...so you see my heart is just heavy...and i know God is the answer...pray for me

and send up one for my huny...i have a feeling he will be going back to Iraq (for his 3rd tour)...he hasnt said anything and its just a feeling...but im nervous...i hope whatever im feeling is wrong...other than my crazy feeling we are good...i miss his quiet ass...even though i just saw him a few days ago...its like that sometimes though...

i think its ex-boyfriend week again..ive talked to two of them this week...one had a birthday a few days ago so i called him...a mistake...he started trippin a little...but i dont expect anything less...he is who he is...
the other called me...telling me about his woman issues...which is fine...my thing is he never asks me how i am doing...same problem we had in our relationship...no reciprocity...which is fine i dont really want to tell him about my man..but its just the principle of it...

ooh but anyway...keep ya girl in your thoughts...its almost midnight, i get off in a ew and im about to make a run to wal-mart...i MUST HAVE coffee and water in my apartment at all times and im running low on both...

Memes

2007-02-25T01:54:00.000-05:00

thanks GBMama

1) Are your parents married or divorced? Married for 36 years (high school sweethearts)
2) Vegetarian? Nope
3) Heaven? Yes
4) Come close to dying? Nope
5) What jewelry do you wear? somestimes a necklace, the ring my mama gave my on my 21st birthday
6) Are you eating? not at the moment, but i bought pizza earlier for the copydesk
7) Do you eat the stems of broccolli? Oh yeah, the best part
8) Makeup? when im in the mood
9) Virgin? ummm...no
10) Would you ever have plastic surgery? naw
11) What do you wear to bed? t-shirt
12) Have you ever done anything illegal? Yes, but i cant recall what at the moment *smirk*
13) Can you roll your tongue? Yessir
14) Pluck your eyebrows? Yes, in between waxes
15) What kind of watch(es) do you wear? None, thats what my cell phone is for
16) Abortion? to each his own
17) Hair color? black, brown
18) Future child's name? dunno..never gave it too much thought...
19) Do you snore? no
20) If you could go anywhere in the world on a vacation, where would you go? cant pick just one place
21) Do you sleep with stuffed animals? I used to in college
22) If you won the lottery, what would you do first? pay my bills, pay my parents bills, pay my borthers bills, buy a house, invest, grab up some shoes, save
23) Gold or silver? why limit yourself
24) Hamburger or hot dog? turkey burger
25) If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would you choose? pineapple
26) Beach, city, or country? city
27) Who was the last person you touched? a co worker..we are a huggy bunch
28) Where do you eat? on the floor sitting on a pillow with my plate on the coffee table in front of the tv
29) When's the last time you cried? its been a while
30) Have you loved somebody so much it makes you cry? yes
31) Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex? i need an example
32) Ever been involved with the police? ive had my share of tickets but thats about it
33) Believe in Santa? no
34) Do you talk in your sleep? dont think so
35) beach or pool? beach
36) Can you cross your eyes? Yes
37) What's your favorite song at the moment? lloyd w/ lil wayne "you"
38) Window seat or aisle? window
39) Ever met any famous bands/singers/actors? i dont think so...
40) Do you feel that you've ever had a truly successful relationship? yes ive had many...i think a successful relationship is one that allows you to grow and learn
41) Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? Cut
42) Rickie Lake or Oprah Winfrey? Oprah
43) Would you ever admit to having done plastic surgery of any kind if confronted? yes
44) How long does your shower last? depends on what im doing
45) Do you drive stick? Nope
46) Cake or ice cream? what is one without the other
48)What time do you get up?11 am
49) Have you ever given money to a bum? Yes
50) When was your first crush? elementary school - jason fields
51) Where do you wish you were? at home, im at work right now
52) Have you ever broken someone's heart? im sure
53) Ever been given a ring? by my mother
54) Longest relationship? 25 years with my parents
55) Last gift you received: shorts
56) Last sport you played? basketball
57) Things you spend a lot of money on? food
58) Where do you live? the desert of southern california5
9) High school you attend(ed): Eastern
60) Last wedding attended: thedia
61) Favorite fast food restaurant: taco bell
62) Where do you work: newspaper
63) Can you cook? Yes
64) Most hated food: chitlins
65) Can you sing? around the house i soulnd like beyonce
66) Last concert attended: donell jones
67) Favorite Nonalcoholic drink: POM peach white tea
68) Favorite Alcoholic drink: Wine or cosmo
69) Current Crush? my Marine

stressin and movin

2007-02-23T02:43:00.000-05:00

mama has been movin! and has had a nice big tension headache every since the process started...
my girl and i got an apartment together and i have been moving all my stuff since wednesday...and i am tired...and not done yet...we decided to move to a two bed/two bath in my complex...by doing that we dont have to pay a deposit cause ive been there a year already...sounded good to me so we jumped on it...

i swear i didnt realize i had so much stuff though and between the both of us we ended up sticking some things in storage...

i am wiped out...im used to waking up between 11 and 11:30 and lounging until its time to get ready for work..ive been getting up around 9 the pasat few days, packing, moving and running errands then going to work..i attempted to go out thursday and made it until around 1a.m. then i had to call it quits...my body has been totally drained this whole week...
but im almost done..all i have left is the kitchen...my huny and his boy came and got a lot of my stuff transported this afternoon and i am soo thankful for that because it would have taken me forever to finish by myself...

i might attempt to go out tonight since the guys are i here but i dunno....i want to straigten up my room and bathroom real bad so i can feel at home in my new place...

my books are a mess....it took forever to get them to the new apartment...and now i have to get them back on the shelves...i swear i just have to stop buying books...just stop reading...HA...yeah not going to happen...just going to have to buy more bookshelves....

i pray this headache will let up soon...

keep ya head up

2007-02-01T01:55:00.000-05:00

you know that saying dont let nobody steal your joy....i let that happen today...im so mad at that...i woke up today in a good mood...i sat around the house, had my coffee, painted my toes watched some sex and the city dvds, did a little laundry...just real chill...just a nice quiet morning, the sun was shining my place is decently clean...i was good...

then i let someone, who musta been in a mood affect me...let them dictate my mood...took the smile off my face...i let someone bring me down with their words...joy....joy...heeeellllooo...joy...where are you?? yup gone....

since that convo my mood has taken a dive, i got to work and my mood got worse...im at the point now im not even bantering with my co-workers..and that usually brings my mood up...

im hoping i still have a chance to snap out of it...but its looking kinda grim..still have a lot of work to do tonight...

----------------

i wrote that last night while i was at work...but ya know what helped..i called my girl who i hadnt talked to in a while...im trying to get her to move out here...but talking to her for about 20 min or so cheered me up...i went back to my desk and finished some more work...went over and joked around with a few co-workers..ended my night on a high note instead of a low one...

went home last night and boiled some crab legs..watched some tv...read a little bit of a book before i went to sleep...it felt good..it took me a minute to get out of my mood but when i did i ran with it...

woke up this morning..had my cup of coffee and texted my girl to meet me at the gym! i am SOOOOO sore right now...i did an hour on the treadmill and a pretty intense ab routine...instead of going home and making a grilled cheese sandwich, like i had been thinking about, me and my girl grabbed protein smoothies then headed to the store to pick up fixings for some salad...i feel good today..i didnt dwell on yesterdays turmoil, i just began my new day...shoo, im blessed to have it, many didnt wake up this morning...

tomorrow i plan on hittin the gym again...and im excited...havent been excited about a workout in a while....

oh and yeah remember that last post where i was ging to chill on my balcony and listen to my lenny?? yeah, HA, of course that didnt happen! i didnt wake up until after noon and my marine didnt sleep in like i thought he would...we ended up sittin up on the couch drinkin coffe and watchin some martin lawrence movie on USA...aawwww well plans change...

went to see smokin aces....pretty good movie...Common and Alicia were GORGEOUS!!!

Again...

2007-01-28T00:50:00.000-05:00

im sitting here at work...its been a pretty relaxed day...just editing my little heart out..in a few more hours it will be over...and i will be going to pick up 21 from the base...its been almost two weeks...and i miss him...

so while i have some down time i decided to chill on youtube and at the moment i am watching lenny kravitz in his video again...i forgot how much i love this song..i used to put it on repeat in college, i think i got my rommie andrea hooked too...i went and bought his greatest hits album just for this song..and found quite a few others that i fell in love with like "mama said" and "it aint over til its over"...

so right at this moment i am picturing myself waking up on sunday morning...putting on lenny and stepping out onto my balcony with a cup of coffee...earlier this week they cleared the trees from in front of my balcony so now i can peer right into the horse stable...the horses are gorgeous...yes this is my plan for tomorrow morning...and then i think ill come back inside, put on a sex and the city dvd and pretend to read some more of "eleven minutes"...maybe a little later ill go look in on 21 and watch him sleep for a couple sconds (you ever do that?) before gathering up my laundry and taking it across the hall...

yeah...that sounds like the start of a nice day...

my cell phone exploded!

2007-01-23T17:21:00.001-05:00

so last night im playing with my phone....and then it started trippin....turning itself on and off then on then off then on then off....you get the picture...

i actually woke up before 11 to go to the sprint store....

thank God i got that insurance....

but i am phoneless until friday....sprint had to order me a new one...on top of that the good folks at sprint could not retrieve any of the data on my phone...and of course i never got around to backing up anything soooo....if you could please send me your cell numbers and emails and any other information you would like me to plug into my new phone when i get it it would be appreciated...also if you need to reach me....ummm...e-mail me, i would say call my home phone, or my work phone but i never got around to memorizing those numbers either...

thanks yall...love ya!

ooh, my email - swatkins7118@yahoo.com

what am i going to do without my cell phone...i feel lost...i mean if i cant send at least 20 text messages a day i go through withdrawal...*sigh*

i have a new motto...

2007-01-19T00:46:00.000-05:00

"spend no money, add no calories"

this is my motto for when i meet up with the crew on tuesdays and thursdays....sometimes wednesdays, fridays and saturdays too...we like to mix it up every now and then...

im not a big drinker...i did my thing in college but have mellowed out a lot since then...once i arrived in cali i found out one of the local bars was the meeting spot for everybody...and i found myself drinking a lot more than i had in a long time...i had to take a step back and ask myself why am i trying to keep up with everyone else...why am i drinking at least 3 to 4 days out the week?...not enough to get drunk but just the fact that i had one drink or two drinks a night was more than i needed...

so now when i go out, sometimes ill have a cute little cosmo or nothing at all...i usually keep a bottle of wine or two at the house just in case when folks come over i have something to offer...

ok..my motto...ive been mulling over my DO BETTER list...and it hit me...i can knock out two birds with one stone...saving money and getting in better shape...

so basically now when i meet up with everyone at the bar...ill drink water....water is free and water has no calories...have yall checked out the calories in beer and liquor...yeah...i could use those calories for something else like real food...

and even though i do usually get the hook up on my tab...pennies add up...i could save that money and pay a bill...i swear sprint is getting rich off me...

since i already have cut back...breaking my ties completely shouldnt be that difficult...im sure ill have a glass of wine every now and then and im sure ill have a cosmo every now and then...if nothing, im realistic...but im motivated to just chill out, i dont need it...im trying to DO BETTER this year....

GIRL, DO BETTER!

2007-01-17T01:35:00.000-05:00

ive been thinking about this whole new years resolution thing...i never make them...i mean i do think that january brings a feeling of starting anew...but im not starting anything new...my boyfriend....

(warning: i will probably reference him any chance i get for a little while, but he is just soo damn cute yall, and we are still in that whole "honeymoon" stage so bare with me, im sure it will get annoying but just bite ya tongue and roll ya eyes, ya girl is happy thats what matters right? right? right?)

...anyway he asked me what was my new years resolution...and well, since i dont really make resolutions i thought up somethin real quick that he would like and i cant really repeat what i said because its not really PG-13, but lets just say it put a big ole smile on his face and a big ole smirk on mine...

but i started thinking the other day....resolutions arent so bad if you plan to really use it as motivation to get ya life together or try something new...but i still cant get with it...sooo i decided that instead of resolving to do something new, ill resolve to do what i already do but better...so i came up with my DO BETTER list...

back in the day, if someone said or did something real random, or strange, or just REAL unnecessary...u would look at them roll ya eyes, cock ya head to the side and say "u need to do better" or when its just a tragic mess we would shorten it up and say just say "do better"(or was that just where i was from?)

so im giving myself the look...here is my DO BETTER list:

1. going to the gym...clearly, Gold's Gym is debiting 45 dollars out of my account every month, i need to go more than ummmmm, once a month - girl U NEED TO DO BETTER!!

2. saving...target is the devil...i cant go in there without buying some uneeded piece of merchandise, whether its a new candle, or candle holder, or shirt, or bag, or necklace, or face wash, or mascara...you get the hint..instead of wasting my money on little stuff i need to just keep it in my account - babygirl, DO BETTER!!

3. eating out...my everyday routine involves indulging in a cup of coffee when i wake up, then finally around 2 p.m. ill decided to get dress and by 3 im stopping off at some resturant grabbing some food to eat at my desk while i start work...i need to cook more, they know me at at least 4 different spots around town...i took my boyfriend to my fav pizza place the other day and he gave the the craziest look when the owner smiled and said "hi, shauna did you call in your order today?" yeah so i need to hit the grocery store and lay off the dining out - girl, U NEED TO DO BETTER!!

4. keeping in touch with friends, fam and old colleagues..im bad yall, so bad, and i have no real excuse...it takes me days to return an e-mail, weeks to return a phone call, and my myspace messages, yeah...real bad...and well...ive warned folks not to leave a voicemail, it wont get answered because i check my voicemail maybe twice a month...maybe...funny, the best way to get ahold of me is to text message me (i stay typing on my phone, its got the QWERTY keyboard, love it!) or catch me on my ride to work, meaning you have to actually know my hours....yeah so i pretty much only talk to my mama around that time...so i gotta stop putting things off, i could really break down some bridges if i dont start hollering back at my people...to those who know i have this issue ya girl plans to DO BETTER!!

ok..i know i have some others but i cant think of them at the moment...yall, im a work in progress, please be patient with me...God is not through with me yet (i used to love that song)

its going to be a good year

2007-01-10T16:04:00.000-05:00

recap: went to MI for Christmas...it was great seeing my fam, i got to meet my new cousin, he is almost one years old...and a little heathen, lol... naw but forreal that what i told his daddy, my cousin...the little guy only has 4 teeth but decided to bite me..and it hurt...but he is the cutest little thing i have ever seen...he just started walking so he wore me out but it was fun holding a baby, he was so sweet when he got sleepy...Christmas was great, it was wonderful being around my family, i couldnt stop hugging them...

geting off the plane in detroit i saw a little girl with a Spelman bag that said class of '09 so i HAD to find out her info... turns out she is in high school and has dreams of being a Spelman woman...i love that! her mom and i talked all the way to the baggage claim and she was telling me about her daughter...i hope that girl makes it to Spelman, she sounded like Spelman material...i have her moms info so i may check up on her..

then i came back to California....and went out for new years eve...i remember the ball dropping and hugging all my people, taking pictures, the champagne toast...it was great...and i was looking REAL cute that night too...

i have been having a great year already...my weekend was wonderful..my boyfriend and his friends came down from the marine base and spent the weekend with me and my people...on sunday me and the boyfriend spent the whole day together laying up on the couch, watching movies, and falling asleep...it was nice just being around each other...cant wait until the weekend wheen he comes back down...

last night i worked a half day..i have vacation time from last year i need to use up so i decided to take half days on tuesdays, my slow days...my boy came up to me and asked if i wanted to come over for dinner...my girl and i house sat for him and his partner a few weeks ago and had a great time laying up in their nice house, playing with their dogs and chillin in their jacuzzi...so my girl and i met over his house last night and had a ball, its was a great night...im taking in he whwhole scene: its january and we are sitting outside in the backyard next to a fire pit sipping martinis and grilling steaks...talk about new experiences...after a nice dinner outside under the cabana we hit the jacuzzi and had a good time laughing and conversing...clearly after the drinks, the heavy food and the hot jacuzzi i went home and crashed...

my year is already starting out so nice, chill and fun and i plan to keep that vibe going...the family is healthy, the job is hectic but wonderful, the boyfriend is HOT AS HELL, the friends are genuine..life is good...this year is going to be soo right...i am claming it for myself....

GBMama - i have a verse coming for you!

Have a Merry Christmas.....

2006-12-24T02:03:00.000-05:00

and a Blessed New Year!

hand me my scarf....

2006-12-01T14:53:00.000-05:00

im cold...i live in southern california and im freezing....

i was born and raised in michigan...i love michigan for its seasons...spring is nice and fresh, flowers, sun, melting snow its starting to finally warm up...in summer it always stays around 75 maybe 80, during some extremely ambitious summers it gets to 90...fall is gorgeous, leaves turn colors, football games, hot chocolate, you get to take out your old sweaters or go buy new ones along with a new jacket, its slightly windy and stays in the 50s and 60s....winter, well, winter is cold...you wake up its 32 degrees, you go to sleep its 32 degrees, in between it dips below 0..the first snow is always gorgeous though...i love my peacoats and an excuse to buy new boots is always a plus....

so i shouldnt be in california and be cold right? i grew up in freezing temps, i should be thankful for the warmth and coziness of winter in cali...

so check this out...

i move here in feb...and was excited that i was finally in a location where it was 70 degrees in the winter...i thought i was really livin...i would throw on a t-shirt, some jeans and some sandles and go about my business...i was amazed when it hit 80 degrees in march...that was a foreign concept to me...but i relished every moment of it...i had been warned "girl, you live in the desert now, just wait"

and i waited....

and around june it hit 100....by the beginning of july the weather stayed between 110 and 116...and i was HOT....by mid july....boom it hit 120..and decided to marinate there for a while...i get into august and am not even phased by the heat anymore..in fact i noticed that if it dipped down below 100, i thought it was "kinda cool outside today"....

crazy right?

so i wake up the other day FREEZING....turn my heat to 80 (the same spot i kept my air conditioning set at during the summer) and throw on a sweatshirt...go about my routine and head out the door...i open the door and im like whooo is it COLD...went a grabbed my suede jacket...i get to the car to go wherever before work and decide to look down at the temp...its 65 degrees.....im stunned im FREEZING at 65 degrees...back in feb i was lovin the 70s now here it is a few months later and a few degrees lower and i cant handle it...i tell ya back in michigan as soon as i caught a whif of some heat i was trying to rock a skirt or some shorts....and now im bundling up...

this week i broke out my winter clothes...because well, it is winter...but never in my life have i thrown on my thick turtleneck sweater and knee high boots with a coat and been cold at 65 degrees...

im telling you my blood has gotten used to this triple digit heat...of course since i am in the desert, at night it gets down to the low 40s...but when i was in michigan, the 40s was not that cold...but now that ive settled into the california living...40 might as well be below freezing...cause im going crazy...

im going home to michigan in a few weeks for Christmas...my mama was telling me today they were expecting a snow storm....da hell? what imma do with some snow? what happens when i decide to move back east? im not going to be able to handle it...am i destined to be a cali girl for life?

you will have to excuse me...

2006-11-28T04:55:00.000-05:00

its 2 in the morning...my girls just left after a night filled with tons of candles, sex in the city the complete series (we only got through the second season), greasy chips with french onion dip, salami (which i dont care for) cheese slices and wheat thins, an extrememly rich cheese danish, doughtnut holes and the best drinks i ever made...lets just say lots and lots of vodka, with a dash of sweet and sour mix and a tinge of lemonade....im feeling pretty good right now...clearly...i will be headed to the gym as soon as i wake up...

its been a good day off...my weekend was excellent, i am entertaining someone new in my life and dumb hasnt fallen out of his mouth yet...still slightly hiding behind my shell but giving as much of myself as i can considering ive only known him a little more than a week...

what is it about hanging out with your girls that always get you thinking about relationships? going back and forth, revealing the truths you usually keep to yourself...it feels good knowing that you can lay out your insecurities and vulnerablities to women who will hold you up and help you on your journey, no judgment..just outstretched arms and shoulders to lay your burdens and your tears...i havent had that since i left spelman in '03...love you drea and pru! wish we were all together now to experience the everyday growth...i love you both, you have always been in my corner and have always wanted the best for me...whether it was a nice pair of booty hugging jeans, or a loving man....even if he was crazy...

tonight i have been reading "for colored girls..." by ntozake shange...i should really have the whole thing memorized by now...and probably do...one of her "not-so-love" poems is stopping me tonight...its like im beginning to realize im not as strong as i think i am or wish to be...and maybe thats not such a bad thing...that whole strong back woman thing is played to the left...i am sitting in my vulnerability right now, and im dont feel bad about it or uncomfortable...fighting emotions is pointless...so im going to dwell in the fact that my feelings are on display right now and im not going to swallow them...im terrified...of liking someone...and thats okay...cause like my girl joan morgan says if some man drops the ball i can pick my ball back up and keep on stepping...it may hurt for awhile...but thats cool that just means im living...but who is to say that will happen? it may be one of the most beautifuul experiences in my life...and i will grow...and thats what life is about right? growing...loving...feeling...

did i mention the drinks i made tonight were bangin?

my cali girls are hurtin yall...and i dont know what to say to uplift them...i can only play tyler perry's "madea goes to jail" so many times before they tell me to shut it down...but im here with tissues and hugs and prayer...

this is what i got from ntozake tonight, this reminded me of our conversation:
"ive lost it
touch wit reality/i dont know who's doin it
i thot u waz but i waz so stupid i waz able to be hurt
& thats not real/not anymore/i shd be immune/if im
still alive & thats what i waz discussin/ how i am still
alive & my dependency on other livin beins for lov
i survive on intimacy & tomorrow/thats all ive got goin
& the music waz like smack & you knew abt that
& still refused my dance waz not enuf/& it waz all i had
but bein alive & bein a woman & bein colored is a metaphysical
dilemma/ i havent conquered yet/do you see the point
my spirit is too ancient to understand the separation of
soul & gender/ my love is too delicate to have thrown
back on my face"

sheeeshh..

2006-11-21T15:48:00.000-05:00

video is blurry but you can make it out decently....

WARNING: WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE IS PROFANE AND RACIAL

Michael Richards exploded in anger as he performed at a famous L.A. comedy club last Friday, hurling racial epithets that left the crowd gasping, and TMZ has obtained exclusive video of the ugly incident.

Richards, who played the wacky Cosmo Kramer on the hit TV show "Seinfeld," appeared onstage at the Laugh Factory in West Hollywood. It appears two guys, both African-American, were in the cheap seats playfully heckling Richards when suddenly, the comedian lost it.

The camera started rolling just as Richards began his attack, screaming at one of the men, "Fifty years ago we'd have you upside down with a f***ing fork up your ass."

Richards continued, "You can talk, you can talk, you're brave now motherf**ker. Throw his ass out. He's a nigger! He's a nigger! He's a nigger! A nigger, look, there's a nigger!"

The crowd is visibly and audibly confused and upset. Richards responds by saying, "They're going to arrest me for calling a black man a nigger."

One of the men who was the object of Richard's tirade was outraged, shouting back "That's un-f***ing called for, ain't necessary."

After the three-minute tirade, it appears the majority of the audience members got up and left in disgust.

Attempts to reach Richards' reps were unsuccessful.
Link of Video here, i guess this is why there was not that many negros on Seinfield huh...
http://us.video.aol.com/video.index.adp?mode=1&pmmsid=1772645

QUESTION....

2006-11-17T02:09:00.000-05:00

what da hell is wrong with O.J.?

something new...

2006-11-05T02:33:00.000-05:00

you never know who you will run into in life that will make you think, inspire you or encourage you...

i was at the bar on thursday...cause that where the gang meet up to chill..relax and just goof off after work...i had my first bloody mary...and i liked it...
anyway...there was a guy there me and my girls met a few weeks ago one late night at denny's...him and his friend sat with us while we ate our greasy, fatty food at 3 sumthin a.m....well we saw him the other night at the bar and he was with a big group of guys...
the first time we met him he was grieving over the loss of his sister...she died of stomach cancer the second week in october...he spoke so highly of her, you could tell they were close and that he really missed her and was hurting...he was close to tears as we sat in the booth, my girl Marie said some real powerful things to him and it helped him put things into perspective...its funny the convos you have with people you dont know...and your words can help them move forward in their life..thats what Marie did that night...

so anyway he was at the bar the other night and he introduced us around to all of his friends...we had a good time joking, laughing, dancing to songs we picked out on the jukebox...
so i was standing next to one of his friends, this big guy with big tattoos on both arms and a bandanna tied around his bald head...i noticed he had a chain with a wedding band and ring on it..and i asked him about it..and as the words slipped from my mouth i realized this was the husband of our new friends sister...and that exactly what he said...he told me they were his wife's and she had died of stomach cancer...he said as soon as he found out she did not have long to live he asked her to marry him...they had a ceremony on oct. 1...but the paperwork wasnt filed until oct. 10...she died oct. 11...he said she died less than 24 hours after they were legally married...all i could do was give this man the biggest hug i could muster...his eyes had teared up just a little and i think he appreciated someone just listening to him...its funny how you see this big tough looking guy and he has the kindest, most sincere heart...he told me her son was taking it like a champ...

i have been thinking about this whole love thing lately...part of me is ready, another big part knows i still have a ways to go and many more things to learn before its time for me to give all of my heart to someone...and i really want to...i want to be in that place so bad..but its not my time yet..

but this man...his words touched me..he said that was the first woman he had ever loved..he told me that if he never falls in love again, the time he shared and the feelings she generated inside him when he was with her was worth all the pain he is going through now it because if only for a little while he got to feel what love felt like and what it felt like to have someone love him...

thats inspiring...you never know who you will meet on the street that will say something that you need...as my boy richy would say..thats journalism...you cant judge a book by its cover...you cant assume...anyone, no matter where they come from, or what they do can teach you a lesson...can touch you...and give you hope...

i joined golds gym this week..finally...my girls have been going for quite a while...now we can all work out together....i went to go workout on friday...i was just chillin on the treadmill, i had a high incline but i very low speed..this woman jump onto the treadmill next to me and proceeds to tell me that i wasnt maximizing my workout...she helped me to alter my workout and gave me a lot of great tips...and then we began talking...she is very interesting...originally from Ethiopia, she has lived all over Europe and the U.S...i adore her accent...she was telling me how she ran into an african-american woman who told her that African women think they are too good, that they come over to the states and turn there noses up at african-american women...the woman on the treadmill told me this was so hurtful and she couldnt believe the woman was saying this to her...she said she told her that she came to the states thinking her sisters would embrace her, show her around and teach her things and that she could teach them as well...she said black in the U.S. were born out of slavery..she said but what about your other history..i can tell you about africa..about a history you might not know...and i was like yes, yes you can...i couldnt believe that someone would say that to her...but then again...yes i can...
but we had such a great conversation while working out...from oprah to detoxing to using the word "nigga"...she said that using the word keeps us locked into the same mental slavery our ancestors fought to break us free from...she said slave masters used that word to belittle us and now here we are doing his job for him...she said our future generations will be stunted if we continue to hold onto the chains, if we never break free mentally and we continue to degrade ourselves...

see, people make you think..and its not just your friends, your family or co-workers...its the everyday people you meet on the street, on accident, that are in the same rat race as you just trying to make it to bed every night...

im open...i love keeping my eyes open...because that way i never stop learning..i never stop growing...i can never ever think i know everything or know too much...because everyday, even those times i dont even realize it..someone is opening my eyes to something new...

Flashback!!!

2006-11-01T01:36:00.000-05:00

ill be back in a few days...i finally took a vacation last week! i went to nashville for a reunion and then drove down to atlanta for homecoming...Yes, i was a good girl...for the most part...ill holler about it later...i gotta get back to work...i took a break real quick because i needed to hear some good soulful music and decided to share...whats your fav tony toni tone song?

its been a minute...

2006-10-14T23:45:00.000-04:00

last time i wrote i was gushing about my car...that sucker took 2 weeks to get here! i was driving around in a rental for 2 weeks...i hate rentals...but my baby is here now...im loving my impala...and i have my XM radio back so i dont have to listen to the radio any longer...i still have to name my baby...ive been on a don cheadle kick the past couple weeks but i dont think don is a cute name for a car...although don's character mouse in devil in a blue dress is now the name for something else important in my life...here's a hint, it vibrates....

pru and drea kept telling me about facebook so i finally joined the other week..if you are reading this on facebook as a note, its really my blog..i linked it to the site so it updates up every time i update my blog on blogspot...so now i have a facebook account, a myspace account, 2 blogs and im a moderator for a message board i joined 3 years ago...im def doing way too much in the online world...if you see spelangel anywhere its probably me...

so....who thinks the democrats are going to take control over the House after the next election? im editing the wire section of the paper today so ive been reading a lot of political stories...its a big section since its for sunday so ive been on the grind...my eyes almost glazed over from all the stories ive read today though...and we still have a ways to go tonight...

if anyone is in nashville, ill be there in a couple weeks...my journalism fellowship is having a reunion/training...so ill be at vanderbilt for a few days before heading down to atlanta for homecoming...so if you are going to homecoming give me a wave, ive already seen a flyer for some party at some mansion, but i dont know who dude is...i plan on hanging out that week...i have only taken one day off since i moved out to cali in february...how come it was 90 degrees the other day?

michael, yes im going to call you, ive been running around forreal but all is well over here...work has been keeping me busy, which is good...ive had a few surprises, a couple disappointments but nothing ya girl cant handle...love you!

My New Baby!!!

2006-10-04T02:22:00.000-04:00

im so excited...my lease was up on my malibu so i had to turn my baby MJ back in to the dealership...my parents got me a good deal on a 2007 Impala where they live in Michigan...so they are having the car shipped from Michigan to me way out here in Southern California...my mama has always called me the expensive child..and i cant even lie about it i am...my parents spoil me...but im not a brat about it..but i know im blessed...although my mama did tell me ill be taking over the payments soon..not looking forward to that day...

so my new Impala is going to be a dark gray, almost black color...i have to figure out a name for it, any ideas?...my first car was Malcolm, he got totalled a few years ago, then i got MJ (stands for my fav Michaels - Michael Jordan, Michael Jackson, and Michael Johnson)...yes, i know you are supposed to name your car after a woman...but hell im me, so my cars always have a mans name - i mean think about it, the man in your life is supposed to be protective, dependable, sexy not scared to get a little dirty and ready for anything you throw at him...makes sense right?...

anyway, im bubbling over with excitement...my new car is on its way, ill be going to nashville for my fellowship reunion at Vanderbilt in a few weeks and then ill be hittin up Spelman/Morehouse homecoming in Atlanta...oh and i just purchased a sweet little silver Bullet that is keeping me on cloud nine...*smirk*

cute

2006-09-14T22:57:00.000-04:00

i got this e-mail from my girl Sevens a few weeks ago...i thought it was nice...i posted all but that part that at the end that told me i won't find true love if i don't send it to fifty-eleven people within 2 seconds...dont you hate when things say that? or some forwards will say if you send this back to me ill know you are my real friend...da hell? if you dont know you are my homie by my everyday actions then maybe we need to sit and reevaluate this here friendship...i never resend that those just out of spite...ok, went off on a tangent....enjoy...

Find a guy, who calls you beautiful instead of hot.

Who calls you back when you hang up on him.

Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.

Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead.

Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats.

Who holds your hand in front of his friends.

Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.

Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her."

Memes - thanks G

2006-09-09T02:40:00.000-04:00

1. How tall are you barefoot?
*5 feet 0 inches

2. Have you ever flown first-class?
*maybe one day

3. One of your favorite books when you were a child?
*it was this book call The Chosen Baby...my mom used to read me this book all the time about this couple who adopted a little boy then a little girl. she would change the names of the characters to correspond with our family...i thought me and my family had a book written about us until i learned to read and found out my mom had been substituting the names

4. A good restaurant in your city?
*i absolutely love Maki Maki...im there all the time...the manager gives me a hug when she passes the table....i mean how can you resist half price sushi?

5. What is your favorite small appliance?
*well since a cell phone isnt an appliance...although i love my Treo...ill have to say...i dont have one...is a DVR an appliance?

6. One person that never fails to make you laugh?
*my girl drea AlLWAYS cracks me up...i LOVE when she makes up new slang terms...she is hilarious....

7. What’s your favorite Christmas song?
*Let It Snow by Boyz II Men and Brian McKnight

8. What was the first music that you ever bought?
*The first tape that I bought was The Boys:Messages from the Boys...i LOVED them...

9. Do you do push-ups?
*for what? next question....

10. What was one of your favorite games as a child?
*Girl Talk..it was a board game and had this big azz pink phone and you had to draw cards and call the boys on the card with the phone and they would give you clues to figure out which one liked you...i cant believe my mama bought me that

11.What is the one thing that you cook that always receives compliments?
*my chicken wings, my baked chicken breasts and my spaghetti...and those canned collard greens...i can heat them up real good...

12. When you were twelve years old, what did you want to be when you grew up?
*i think i wanted to be a teacher

13. Your favorite Soup of the Day?
*Progresso Traditional Chicken Noodle

14. What in your life are you most grateful for?
*my family, my friends..I LOVE YALL

15. Have you ever met someone famous?
*well ummmm, my friend Jamuary looks a little like p.diddy if you close one eye and bend your head to the left about 30 degrees..i met lil jon before he blew up...back then he was just some pitiful looking dude trolling the AUC with locs that needed to be touched up

16. Date Of Birth?
*July 11, 1981...write it down...

17. Top 3 thoughts at this exact moment:
*1. im bout to get in the bed when i finish this thing
2. why am i watching queer eye for the straight guy right now
3. i wonder if i can find that Girl Talk game

18. Three people you're thinking about right now:
*1.andrea
2.my bro Alex
3.D.B.

19. Name five drinks you regularly drink
*1. Lipton Diet Green Tea, citrus flavor
2. FIJI water
3. Tropicana OJ w/ fiber
4. Starbucks green tea lemonade
5. Magnisium Ciltrate (keeps ya regular)

20. From what news source do you receive the bulk of your news?
*well i work at a newspaper...im constantly on the wires

21. Current hair?
*i just got this cute cut...im growing my hair out and this lady shaped it real cute so it looks good while it growing...i really cant explain it...

22. Current worry?
*i gave my worries up to God a while ago...im pretty content

23. Current hate?
*ummm...none really...well it was humid today...but thank God it only reached 105..

24. Favorite place to be?
*whereever my family and friends are...

25. Least favorite place to be?
*i dont have a place, i love going to work, i love being at home

26. Do you consider yourself well organized?
*yeah, everything has it place

27. Do you believe in a afterlife?
*ya goin up or ya goin down....

28. Where do you think you will be in 10 Yrs?
*have no clue...possibly back in atlanta...maybe texas....maybe east coast...no matter where i end up i know ill be successful...my dream is too edit books, maybe ill be doing that or i may still be in newspapers

29. Do you burn or tan?
*funny, ive actually gotten darker since ive been in california...i even had to get a darker foundation..but burn, naw man

30. Who was the last blogger you hung out with?
*not tellin

31. Are you more optimistic or pessimistic about the future?
*Very optimistic

32. Last time you had an alcoholic drink?
*i took this week off..so its been since saturday...where i sipped a margarita..didnt even finish it...

33. What songs do you sing in the shower?
*none, i use my shower time to day dream

34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a kid?
*i thought there was a witch in my closet so i had to make sure to shut the door

35. What’s in your pockets right now?
*do panties have pockets cause thats all i have on...but if i was wearing something with pockets id probably just have some lint

36. Last thing that made you laugh?
*i shared quite a few laughs today with co-workers..we always have a good time at work, even on deadline

37. Best bed sheets you had as a child?
*dunno....

38. Worst injury you’ve ever had?
*never been injured forreal...had some whiplash after an accident a couple years ago..

39. Favorite song?
*if its R&B, i love it..im a slow jam kinda girl

40. How many TVs do you own?
*i have two in my apartment and one back at my parents house...well, actually they bought that one but i have the remote for it out here with me...go figure

41. In the last calendar year, how many people have you told that you love them?
*i say i love you to someone at least once a day...no telllin how many...

42. Last person that made you blush?
*i have this crazy crush on the 56 year old security guard at work..he is soooo hot...my boy D said somethin real sweet to me earlier today before work

43. Best Compliment received?
*my boy richy pointed at me the other night and told this guy that i am one of the sweetest, most down people he knows...i thought that was really nice...dont know of its the best but its the most recent...my parents did say they wer prud of me when they came to visit in july..that almost made me cry

44. What song is in your head?
*lost without you by robin thicke....i have been putting it on repeat...visiting my own myspace page and blog to watch the video

45. What is your favorite book?
*i started rereading when chickenheads come home to roost by joan morgan...i also love racism 101 by nikki giovanni, in search of our mothers gardens by alice walker and for colored girls...by ntozake shange

46. Last meal you cooked for the opposite sex?
*whoa.....its been awhile...when i went to visit derek back in feb we made turkey bacon and scrambled eggs.....he LOVES turkey bacon..he will cook and eat a whole package at one time...trying to make him stop that

47. What songs do you want played at your wedding?
*id love to have "who would i be" by kindred and of course some luther of and "you" by jesse powell...and maybe at the end of the night some mary j and method man "all i need"

48. What song do you want played at your funeral?
*i dont plan on having a funeral, i told my mom to throw a big party, get a DJ and dance...remember me smiling and having a good time

49. What were you doing at 12 midnight last night?
*the local bar...one of my boys was moving...so the crew met up at "our Cheers" and had a good time

50. What would you like to accomplish with the remaining years of your life?
*id like to encourage and motivate people to live life and keep dreaminig...id like to keep a smile on my face...love hard, laugh hard, and hug as many people as possible

I Love My Ladies

2006-09-08T02:19:00.000-04:00

i was going through some kinda of withdrawal the two years i spent in indiana...i had people who i became close too...who i enjoyed talking to and fellowshiping with...but i missed my girls somethin fierce...my best friends live in mew york, atlanta, michigan, and north carolina...no where near me...i learned how to get along by myself, take myself shopping or out to eat...i learned to cherish every single phone call and visit...i am stronger for that alone time...i think God put me in the position to show me how strong i really am...
but i missed my ladies, i missed the hugs, the laughs, the spur of the moment outtings...
i have many memories, and during most conversations with my girls we always took it back and talked about what we used to do, places we used to go and the crazy times we shared...

i still miss my best ladies...there are five women out there who KNOW ME...who know my history, who i dont have to tell the things i went through because they were there with my holding my hand...and i love them...

college made me value friendships...made me realize how comforting, special and important woman friendships are...and i am BLESSED to have my ladies...

i even met ladies online who i care about...its going on three years since ive met mango and sevens, msinstyle (its so weird using ya'lls screen names)...and although we haven't "met" yet, ya'll have been good to me...yes, i dont call as much as i should...ya'll know i got issues with the phone...but i do think about ya'll and pray for yall right along with my other ladies...

after spending those years in indiana wanting, craving and needing some female bonding He moved me to california...where i was embraced immediately...
i am building relationships with women who are soo there for me...i see them at work and they offer a hug, we meet for lunches and dinners, go out to movies, hit up the mall, sit around someones place and have intimate convos over wine...just last weekend 4 of us hung out at my house drank sangrias and watched diary of a mad black woman til we all fell asleep...i know, hush...then on monday me and two other ladies ordered a table full of thai food and watched the first season of sex in the city....these women are not just co-workers to me anymore...they are friends, people i trust...its in my nature to be critical at first...especially of new people, i dont tell alot about myself when i first meet people...but im glad now that i know i can share who i am...

im also learning that friends dont come in similar packaging...going to a all black womens college, i have to admit, i was a bit biased, i love my black women soo much that i had closed myself off from experiencing other cultures, i essentailly was taking for granted the experiences of other people...but i swear i have a twin out here who is latina...that is my girl...we think too much alike...we have a great time talking and learning from each other...and im glad i took a step back checked myself and opened up to all possibilities...the world aint black and white, cant even try and live in it like it is...people are put in your life for a reason...

i realize that if i hadnt had that time to myself in indiana i probably wouldnt appreciate the connections i have made since ive been in cali...sure there are times when i need to be alone...i have learned that i need space to do me, there are days when i still take myself to lunch or movies because i truly enjoy my own company...but it feels good knowing that i dont have to be alone, i can pick up the phone and make plans...

i smile because i have discovered that value of friendship...i wish i could gather all my ladies in one room...i KNOW that would be an experience...cause all my friends are crazy...yeah, i said it, yall crazy! but i am too...and i know everyone would get along because everyone has something in common...

so anyway...to all my ladies i love yall, i miss yall...and i cant wait to see yall...drea, pru, tootie...atlanta in october?
marie, sandra, leslie, lala, valerie any plans for sunday?

Lost Without You by Robin Thicke

2006-09-05T15:14:00.000-04:00

My girl Leslie turned me on to this song....absolutely love it!...the woman in the video is his wife...if you have seen Idlewild she may look familiar..she was Andre3000's love interest...imma send this one out to Derek....

What does your siggy say?

2006-09-02T00:49:00.000-04:00

i was looking at my personal e-mail signature...i was thinking i should change it up but after looking it over i decided to keep it...i like it...it shows my personality...does yours?

my sig:

"the authority of the writer always overcomes the skepticism of the reader." -Nikki Giovanni
"show me a writer, any writer, who hasnt suffered and ill show you someone who writes in pastels as opposed to primary colors." -Rita Mae Brown
"work like you dont need the money, love like youve never been hurt, and dance like you do when nobodys watching." -from I Wish I had A Red Dress by Pearle Cleage
"i found God in myself and i loved Her/i loved Her fiercely." -Ntozake Shange

Because.

2006-09-02T00:35:00.000-04:00

"BECAUSE" by TD Jakes

Just because no one has been fortunate enough to
realize what a gold mine you are,
Doesn't mean you shine any less.

Just because no one has been smart enough to figure out
that you can't be topped,
Doesn't stop you from being the best.

Just because no one has come along to share your life,
Doesn't mean that day isn't coming.

Just because no one has made this race worthwhile,
Doesn't give you permission to stop running.

Just because no one has realized how much of an
awesome woman you are,
Doesn't mean they can affect your femininity.

Just because no one has shown up who can love you on
your level, Doesn't mean you have to sink to theirs.
Just because you deserve the very best there is,
Doesn't mean that life is always fair.

Just because God is still preparing your king,
Doesn't mean that you're not already a Queen.
Just because your situation doesn't seem to be progressing
right now, Doesn't mean you need to change a thing.

Keep shining, keep running, Keep hoping, and keep praying,
Keep being exactly what you are already. COMPLETE!!

a foreign concept

2006-08-25T01:28:00.000-04:00

i was watching this show Work Out the other day on Bravo, my new fav network..and this lady says she is going to the gym to lose some weight cause her butt was too big...now mind you this woman's azz was close to being non exsistent...
maybe its just me but i never heard of a woman wanting to lose her booty...i went to school in the south and booty is beautiful and bountiful...in fact when i was in school i wanted more booty...my girls drea and tootie had nice round butts that filled out jeans perfectly, i had the breasts of the group, so they said i wasnt allowed to complain about my butt..and while my butt aint small it was the smallest of the groups...

i graduated college in 2003 and since then i have put on maybe 12 pounds...and guess what...I'S GOT BOOTY NOW!! when i get out of the shower i turn sideways in the mirror just to admire it...im so happy that i got some rump..so when i heard that on the TV i was dumbfounded...people actually want to lose their butts...i cant believe that...da hell is wrong with them?...booty is a blessing! i wouldnt mind toning up the tummy a little bit, but the booty...maybe id make it a little firmer...but smaller....why would i go do that?

so umm....am i the only one who cant relate to this slimming the booty thing? am i deranged cause i think booty is beautiful? is there something i dont know?

Ne-Yo - Sexy Love

2006-08-12T02:41:00.000-04:00

Music Video Codes By Musicjesus.com

a lot of little things

2006-08-11T01:53:00.000-04:00

i got to work today and three of my male co-workers that hang out with were looking at me kinda funny...one sent me an email that said i looked good today...i sent him back one that said i feel good today...one came by my desk and rubbed my shoulder (his usual greeting) and told me i was looking nice today...then he said i was looking radiant...and the other just stared, but he always does that...those guys had me blushing so hard...i dont know what it was...i didnt do anything out of the ordinary..i put my contacts in but i do that maybe once a week...i dunno they coulda just been playin aorund but thats okay...it felt good anyway...they are good guys...and i appreciate all compliments...flattery works well with me...

its not tough giving up the red meat and pork except when going to a mexican restaurant...i wanted chicken taquitos and they only had shredded beef taquitos...i miss beef tamales...i want my el pastor (pork) sincroinsadas...but pork aint poppin right now...at least i can still go get my rice milk...i LOVE rice milk...
i found that Fatburger has THE BEST turkeyburgers...i am hooked..im trying to be cool and not go there every day...especially right now cause money is tight and im trying to curb the eating out everyday...you know you spend hella money eating out everyday...

i love my playlist on my work computer....usher, destiny's child, vivian green, a little bit of tupac, angie stone, joss stone, maxwell, the love jones soundtrack, leela james, erykah badu, jamie foxx, ne-yo...and some more folks...i have hours of music on this computer...i just put it on shuffle and sit back and get to work...and if you havent experienced leela james...OH MY GOD!! she does a remake of gwen stefani's song "don't speak" that left my azz speechless...i didnt even realize it was the same song...she put some stank on it...she put this whole jazz blues feel to it...a-ma-zing!

im addicted to crystal light lemonade...the little packets...i pour the packet into my gawgeous Spelman College water jug add some water and ice and im set to do some work...and what color is my water jug...*drumroll* Spelman blue of course...yes, there is a such thing as Spelman blue (at least in my mind)...i just cant explain the color...its blue except prettier, LOL...aiight imma shut up now...

Hi Sarccastik!! *wavin* glad your back, hope the J-O-B is going great...i miss Atlanta sumthin firece...i have always wanted a loft in midtown....maybe one day...i already have it decorated in my mind...

i had ROACH in my apartment!...i have never had one all up in my area before...i had a big azz beetle in my bed last year...but i was pissed the other day...it was in my bathroom..out here they call them date palm beetles...but that was just a big ass roach...someone at work told me they come throught the pipes...OH HELL NO!!...i am a big sucker too...i am terrified of bugs...this sucker had the nerve to come into my bathroom and die...when i found it it was already dead...but i sprayed half a can of Raid on it anyway, just to make sure....then i had one of my co-workers and his girl come over after work and put it in the toilet for me...i was not about to touch it or get close....i still call my daddy when i see a spider...and he is in michigan and im in damn southern california...a good 7 hour plane ride from....but I DONT DO BUGS!!...i have this irrational fear that they are going to come back alive and attack my feet....

who saw the season premeire of flava of love? DA HELL?? the first chick beat the little chicks butt then offered her some "lip chap" DA HELL?? and the got on her knees and prayed asking God to forgive her for beating the chicks butt and then in the middle of the prayer threatened the chick with another whooping in the name of God.....DA HELL?? and then at the end ol girl decided she couldnt hold it anymore and pooped on the floor/steps...DA HELL?? and flav kept her in the house and said he respected her honesty...DA HALL?? what is wrong with the world? and what DA HELL is wrong with me for having my DVR set to record the whole season? im on crack....

and fienin for some crab legs...on an imitation crab meat budget...

i think might make some salmon patties tomorrow...

ive been missing my watermelon the past couple days...i ate all the watermelons i had in my apartment....time to stock up again....

ive been worried about bills and finances lately...gotta save, gotta save, gotta save..gotta stop buying clothes...i gotta stop worrying...it can get depressing...ive given it to God....no more worrying...im done...He will handle it...its out of my control...aint faith great? i need a t-shirt that says "Got faith?"...hmm, maybe it can be Spelman blue with white lettering...HA...anyway, i know it will all work out in the end...because i believe....*smile*

Woman

2006-08-04T20:55:00.000-04:00

i was going to write a post about how my jeans have been fitting looser and what i think is the reason...aside from my time of the month bloat being gone and the massive amount of watermelon i have been consuming...i was also going to go in depth about how this man at trader joes called me beautiful...although i am still not sure if he was talking to me, his male partner or the frozen fish he held in his hand...ill just say he was talking about me and keep on steppin...i was also going to mention how i am fienin for king ding-a-ling to come dick me down and a couple other random things but that can wait...i got this e-mail from my girl netra today and even though i have read it before a long time ago i thought id share....enjoy...ill be back with my craziness later....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
A set of screwdrivers,
A cordless drill, and
A black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
One friend who
Always makes her
Laugh...
And one
Who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
A good piece of furniture
Not previously owned by
Anyone else in her family

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
Eight matching plates,
Wine glasses with stems,
And a recipe for a meal that will
Make her guests feel honored.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
A feeling of control over Her destiny

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
How to fall in love Without losing herself

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
HOW TO QUIT A JOB
BREAK UP WITH A LOVER
AND CONFRONT A FRIEND WITHOUT RUINING THE FRIENDSHIP

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
When to try harder... And
WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
That she can't change
The length of her calves,
The width of her hips, or
The nature of her parents

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
That her childhood
May not have been Perfect
But, It's over

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
What she would and Wouldn't
Do for love or money

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
How to live alone
Even if She doesn't like it

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
Whom she can trust, Whom she can't,
And why she shouldn't Take it personally

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
Where to go
Be it to her best friend's kitchen table
Or a charming inn in the woods
When her soul needs soothing

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
What she can and can't accomplish
In a day...
A month...
And a year...

heavy...

2006-07-28T02:09:00.000-04:00

i was talking with my best friend drea today...thats my girl...love her to death...we hadnt talked in about a week so we had to catch up...not that much is goin on in my life but she doesnt mind hearing about the mundane stuff either....
so i was asking her about her weekend and she goes on to tell me that her and a group of friends went to a pool party given by a friend of her good friend and while the party 4 of the guys that came with her group left the party with the sister of her firends friend...folllow me...well the sister is slightly mentally challenged and the guys drove off with the girl and pretty much raped her..because of the disability the girl came back to the party and didnt really realize that she had been violated...my girl drove home with these dudes...i guess the next day the sister wakes up and cant walk and her family takes her to the hospital where she finally tells the family what happened...
drea tells me we went to school with these guys and she has been hanging out with them since she moved to the east coast a few years ago...she is shocked cause she never would have thought that these guys would do something like that...
she is supposed to hang with them this weekend but decided to back out..she cant tell them that she knows what went down just yet...well until the police do their thing and she doesnt want to hang with the dudes knowing they did something so horrible cause she cant keep her mouth shut and will go off and that might spoil the investigation...
i was sitting there like da hell...i was blown away, like wow i cant believe this mess...i am so glad those guys never laid a hand on my girl but i feel so bad for this woman that they took advantage of....

so then we started talking about some of the random, dangerous and dumb stuff we did while we were in school....
this one time i think junior or senior year....well i dont really remember....my friends think some guy drugged my drink cause i hadnt drank very much that night (not even one whole glass) and i cant remember hardly anything...but i dunno and since i cant remember anything whose to say...i do remember getting out of a car (it mights been mine) at a house with a bunch of steps...i remember a guy picking me up fireman style, and dropping me on my head, i remember thinkgin damn that didnt even hurt...i remember drea saying we had to leave and them getting me out of the house...aint that crazy? i dont remember driving to the house, if i drove, or even going into the house, i dont remember anything before hitting my head, i dont even remember the guys or how many guys... things coulda popped off that night and i wouldnt have known...
i remember one time 3 of us jumped in this mans car at the drive through cause the taco bell was closed and we wee hungry...he let us order and dropped us off on campus...but he coulda pulled off and took us somewhere and did God's knows what...
i also remember while we were in the car one of my girls took my other girl's pocket knife, got out the car and ran up on the car of guys in front of us screaming with the knife in her hand scaring them..they could pulled out a gun and shot her...
drea said we have been lucky, im like naw, we have been blessed...obviously we were supposed to be on earth a little while longer...
numerous times we walked around the west end at like 2 or 3 in the morning...with only our room key and some ID...
i wont even get into more of the stoopid stuff we did, cause yall might wanna slap me through the computer...im just glad im still here...
we did a lot of stoopid stuff without thinking about consequences or safety...

im glad ive grown up a little...far from grown but ive grown up....now me and the girls are all in different parts of the u.s. but we have are mutual experiences to keep us together...and we can remind each other of stuff we did just in case we are about to get ourselves in a situation...
even though i had to hear that sad story about her friends sister im glad i got a chance to talk to my girl...

random:
-i used a new shampoo and gloss today on my hair, its really working well...
-the only coast i havent lived on is the east coast i think that will be my next move, if i dont go south again...
-main reaso i want to move it to at least be near one of my girls...
-i need to paint my toenails...
-i need to review my notes from my copyediting fellowship....my brain feels like it needs a refresher...
-i notice i dont fight for relationships...wondering if i should fight more often?
-to buy blush or not to buy blush?
-the mary kay lady wants me to sell mary kay..i cant wait to tell her that stuff made my skin feel all nasty...
-men are crazy...
-women are crazy too...
-i got a lot of work to do tomorrow, think ill come in a couple hours early...
-so i can leave a couple hours early...
-i need to learn to say im sorry...thats hard for me to do...
-im so damn stubborn...
-ill work on it...
-im lookin good today...
-real good...
-midol is the shyt...
-ive watched madea goes to jail 4 times in the past week...
-and ive cried twice...
-at the same part
-be patient with me...God is not through with me yet..

birthday fun and hair issues....

2006-07-20T19:56:00.000-04:00

my birthday week was fun...my mama says you gotta celebrate for a week...and i did...after ringing it in on top of the bar i chilled out the next day....i had planned on spending my birthday by myself and that exactly what i did...i just felt like bringing my in 25th year in solitude, with my own thoughts....i took myself out to lunch, got a pedicure, bought a couple books and a few new shirts, pretty much just spent money i had no business spending...i bought myself some gorgeous pink roses and spent the rest of the night reading, writing and watching tv...it was very peaceful....
my parents flew in on thursday afternoon and i spent some time gettign them settled..i idnt get the days off i requested so i had to work the whole time they were here but we made the best of it...we ate and did a little shopping each day...my mom bought me the CUTEST shoes...
fridays night was the big birthday party for the three of us who celebrated birthdays..one on the 10th, me on the 11th and another on the 12th...we had a big party at this club we go to....i would put up some photos but....well....they r a little incriminating....lets just say everyone had a good time at the club...afterward we all came back to my place where we finished off a couple bottle of wine i had, played music and when everyone got hungry, i made a dozen eggs complete with cheese and hot sause....
my parents and i went to L.A. on monday...and i was not impressed...maybe i was just not in the right spot in L.A. but i wasnt feelin it...went to see some fam and friends and then drove back home....
my parents left tuesday morning...and i missed them as soon as i got back in the car to head home...my mom gave me 'madea goes to jail' for my b-day and some pics of the fam..i gotta put up the pic of my and my daddy....

---------
im having hair issues...
i really think this extreme heat is messing with my hair...
i noticed my hair was shedding like crazy a few weeks ago and i was worried
so i went and got it trimmed. the woman who trimmed my hair suggested a shampoo/conditioner for dry and damaged hair to give my hair/scalp xtra moisture
she also said to rotate between that shampoo and a clarifying shampoo to reduce build up she also suggested adding a lite oil...
today i washed my hair and i see broken pieces in the middle...and that pissed me offf...
ever sense i lived in atlanta i took pride in knowing how to take care of my hair...i had a real good beautician who taught me a lot about caring for my hair and what i need to do because to keep it looking right..my hair is very thick and not too coarse, i dont have to mess with it too much, it keeps its body for quite a while...i wash it once a week, and only put heat on it once a week and keep it wrapped...i get it trimmed regularly and a relaxer every 3-4 months....half the time i walk out of the house forgetting to comb my hair but all i have to do is run my fingers through it and im good to go....
im trying not to trip on the broken pieces...im just going to get my hair back in shape but this heat and direct sunlight is sooo not cool...in the desert where i live i have been told more than a hundred times to protect my eyes with sun glasses and my skin with sunscreen because the desert intense UVA and UVB rays...but no one said anything to me about my hair...
i was going about my usual routine like i used to do in indiana and i am just now realizing that this different climate means i have to switch it up....
anyone have any hair tips?
im about to go out tomorrow and get a deep condtioner....

ITS MY BIRTHDAY!!!

2006-07-11T15:59:00.000-04:00

Music Video Codes By Musicjesus.com

i brought my 25th birthday in the right way...dancing on top of a bar with a pretty blue drink in my hand!!
the deal was last night that every time a bobby brown song came on i had to climb up on the bar and dance....i think they played about 4 bobby songs....and i made 12 dollars! HA!...its been a great birthday so far....
going out to lunch soon with a friend....maybe dinner with the girls...i have the whole day to not do a damn thing....i went and got myself a pedicure and an eyebrow wax and treated myself to some new candles and a couple books....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my birthday twin Greg...love you much!!

Im Addicted to BRAVO!

2006-07-10T01:33:00.000-04:00

i mean come on..any television station that has the balls to bring

that into your home has to be on to something...

at first i was addicted to UPN and then VH1 but now BRAVO is holding my interests...maybe i have become a reality show whore, but thats okay, i find these people so damn funny...so yes, i am claiming my addictions, and no, i dont want rehab just gimme more of these shows...

i could you not love queer eye...i mean these men make me wanna get up and redecorate or go shopping or something...they can get a little sensational at times but they are fun to watch...

ok, now i thought this show was going to be hella corny...but...i mean i find myself laughing out loud during every show..this woman is just crazy...i mean she just syas whatever she wants...and i think she is pretty talented, she just makes a few notes of what she wants to say on stage and then get out there and almost wings the whole show...and she is funny...

who didnt watch dave chapelle on inside the actors studio? if you didnt u missed a treat...go find it on youtube or something...i watched his 2 hour interview at least 3 times...lipton has some great interviews...

since i dont have much drama in my life, this show def gives me the little bit of drama i crave...i swear i dont know where they get these designer wannabe's and hopetabe's but they are hilarious...

can i get some inspiration?

2006-06-27T23:59:00.000-04:00

you know those folks who say they dont watch television, like its beneathe them, or they are too busy, got a life or somthin.....i aint one of them...on my days off if i aint at the mall trying not to buy anything or reading a book im sitting on the couch flippin channels in between naps...
so everyday i get up around 11 a.m. (perk of the job) and i eat, e-mail, talk on the phone and lounge around til noon when "starting over" comes on..you know that sow with iyanla vanzant? basically women come to the starting over house to rebuild there lives and start over...get away from the madness and bullshyt of the past and learn new habits in order to live a fulfilled life...you know im a strong advocate of women doing that they go to do to be happy and love themselves...
so anyway ms. vanzant recited one of her poems to this women who really needed it..and well, i have to post the sucker...cause ive been there...and im sure my time will come again...

YESTERDAY I CRIED
by Iyanla Vanzant

I want you to understand,
I had myself a really good cry yesterday.
Yesterday, I cried,
for all the days that I was too busy, or too tired, or too mad to cry

I cried for all the days, and all the ways,
and all the times I had dishonoured, disrespected and disconnected...

I cried for all the things I had given, only to have them stolen;
for all the things I had asked for that had not shown up
for all the things I had accomplished, only to give them away,
to people in circumstances, which left me feeling empty, and battered and plain old used.

I cried because there really does come a time when the only thing left to do is cry

Yesterday I cried.

I cried because little boys get left by their daddies;
and little girls get forgotten by their mummies;
and daddies don't know what to do, so they leave;
and mummies get left, so they get mad...

I cried because I hurt.
I cried because I was hurt.
I cried because hurt has no place to go except deep into the pain that caused it in the first place,
and when it gets there, the hurt wakes you up.

I cried because it was late.
I cried because it was time.
I cried because my soul knew that I didn't know that my soul knew everything I needed to know.

I cried a soulful cry yesterday, and it felt so good...
In the midst of my crying, I felt my freedom coming,
Because Yesterday,
I cried with an agenda.

i went crazy at borders...UPDATE

2006-06-23T02:12:00.000-04:00

*starting this one tonight!

*starting this one tomorrow night!

*thinking about asking for my money back...and the sucker was WAY discounted...just didnt put me in an erotic mood...i only liked maybe 2 stories, well, maybe one, the one by jessica care moore, she played that one perfectly...anyway, i kept reading hoping it would get better, it didnt!

*his essays "of cannibals" and "of persuasion" are two of my fav....have to get ya pen out for this one and start underlining!

*i want to buy this book for everyone woman in my life...it just reaffirms how great it is to be a black woman, even through all the tribulations that come with life...only one thing i didnt like was the essay by melissa ford!

*umm, for it to be written by zane, it wasnt very sexy to me...i enjoyed it all the way up to the end...where i then proceeded to get mad! i get mad or sad when i end most books, but this one just pissed me off!

*will be starting this one later on this week!

some music is made for memories

2006-06-22T02:44:00.000-04:00

i was driving to work the other week after picking up a fish burrito (i guess ive graduated from the fish tacos) and after a long night of hanging out that ended around 6:30 in the morning (my last late night for awhile) when the song "i gotta be" by jagged edge came on...that song took me back to 1999 and my then boyfriend Joe....we met a month before i left for college...we were going to make it work long distance cause we loved each other...ha...we had decided that was going to be our song...and now every time i hear that song i think of him...last time i talked to him he was happily engaged...
as i was weaving in and out of traffic i began creating a list of in my head of songs that take me back to moments and memories....

i had a friend Leedon..she was my GURL from 6th grade til about 10th grade...i remember i had just gotten the "waiting to exhale" soundtrack on TAPE...and we were diggin it...thinking we knew something about exhaling....there was a song on there called "kissing you" by faith...i remember sitting in my dads studio with Leedon, a small boombox between us and we out that song on repeat for HOURS...and we talked about whatever seventh or eigth grade girls talk about...thinking we had some real drama in our lives..HA

my sophmore year of college i was involved with a great guy, we alwyas called him by his last name Maxwell, he was a football player, they were all called by their last names...we had our issues but we were pretty cool...we were so laid back things just rolled smoothly with us...my best friend drea loved him cause he would cook and invite us to eat...sophmore year neither one of us had cars so his roomie would pick me up and id spend my weekend at their place (i hope my mama aint reading this, lol) everytime i hear any song off of Jill Scott's first album i think of Max cause he introduced me to her music...i think of the fun we had goofing off at his place on those weekends, taking pics, going to Fridays to eat...me playing wifey...after almost a year, i finally got tired of playing...but we always remained cool...

senior year of high school i ran around with a group of 6 girls, we did almost evreything together that year...i was closet to shrie...we had such a good time doing typical teen stuff...i love hanging out with her...i was so sheltered and she kinda of help put a crack in my shell...i remember riding around in her car all the time listening to lauryn hill's "ex-factor"...just singing the song like we really knew about heartache...maybe she did, i didnt, but lauryn's voice was so rich with emotion it made me think i knew a little somethin...i can play that song now and forreal relate to the words...

i dated this guy sean my junior year in college...he was this gorgeous guy from louisiana...he was seeing other people, i was seeing other people...okay, maybe dated is the wrong word for what we did...it was kinda hush hush for some reason...basically, i would go out with my girls, he would go out with his people, we would see each other at the same parties sometimes...although we never spoke to each other much...i would get back to my dorm room and pack a bag, he would call and tell me he was out front and we spent the weekend in his dorm room...he had the best dorm room, it was hooked up...i even helped him lay the carpet down, he had black lights, 2 double beds pushed together to create one giant bed which he then covered with a down feather bed and down comforter...it was a pretty plush dorm room once he got through decorating...he a great computer he had built and he had this music program on it which would chop and screw songs...he introduced me to choppin and screwin...he would spend hours doing that while i laid out on his bed reading a book or doing homework...he also introduced me to jazz...mostly coltrane...i bought this cd 'coltrane for lovers'' whenever i hear "in a sentimental mood" i think of sean... we would talk for hours about anything while listening to some jazz...we both had this artistic streak..we would read stuff to each other...its funny cause only a couple of my girls knew about him and i doubt he told many of his boys about me....we hung out my whole junior year...every other weekend i was with him...it didnt end well with us...funny, i still remember his phone number....

G fell into my life last year and made it much more productive with his encouraging words and quick wit...kept me from going out of my mind a few times...a great guy...showed me what a man is all about...he is a kindred spirit...i call him my twin...whenever i hear the song "everytime i go away" by brian mcknight i think of him...he burned the cd for me and i was like thanks...and i listened to it a little...it wasnt until i was taking him to the airport one day and the song came on that i really listened to the words...i dropped him off at the airport that day and played that song repeatedly on the 40 min trip back home..it was a great memory...i tried to get him to make it into a ring tone for me...great memories though...im so glad he is happy now..he def deserves it...

this may sounds kinda cold...but the song "Burn" by usher brings up memories of my ex-boyfriend jason...it was his ring tone for awhile too...until i could get through the pain of our break up....i remember i was in tennesse at my journalism fellowship at vanderbilt...i was there for 3 months..i thought we could last...i really thought i was going to marry this man....my mama did too...she still does...in my mamas eyes he can do no wrong...but the long distance didnt work out...we were good together but apart...not so much...i was experiencing so many new things....i new after this fellowship my life was never going to be the same...and it hasnt been....i remember the week before graduating from my program me and jason finally had "the convo"...i knew it was coming, but i wanted to hold on a pretend i didnt see the signs...he has always been the more "cut to the chase," "lets think realistically about this" one between us...i remember i didnt have a lot of time to cry because i was in the fellowship buliding finishing up a project and had to go to a networking dinner after...but in between that we talked on the phone and it was over...it hurt...but it was for the best...we are still good friends, although we dont speak as much as we used to..whenever i come home he makes sure he stops by to see me...and im proud of him, he has a lot of his plate, he is BUSY being sucessful and i cant be mad at him for that...he had always treated me with the utmost respect and love...

ill finish with my best friend andrea...me and this girl grew up together....granted we met in college...but forreal that is where we both grew up, went through a lot of painful lessons together...a lot of trials and tribs that helped build our character, and gave us our tough skin (and gooey interior,lol)....i cant even explain my love for this girl...she is my sister, no one knows me better, or can put up with me, or put me in my place like she can...and i just feel blessed to have her in my life...me and her have TOO many songs though....the whole r.kelly 12Play album, lol...we used to get DRESSED, get in the car, turn that album all the way up and drive down peachtree...didnt even hit up a club just drove around all night singing (and we cant sing), maybe going out to eat, maybe not...sophmore year, i got the maxwell unplugged album w/ "this womans work"...drea played it on repeat EVERY night, ALL night for quite possibly 2 months...our neighbors actually asked us to play something else...i began to detest the song...i can finally listen to it again now...the whole blueprint album, the chronic 2001 album, jadakiss songs "knock yourself out" and "we gonna make it," juvenile "back that ass up" when she had to literally carry my drunk butt off the floor - i never got drunk again! the song "P.Y.T." by memphis bleek....we would just pop in whatever cd we were feeling and ride almost every weekend for 4 years...drea you bet' not cry when you read this either...i know you! LOL

I went hiking...

2006-06-15T02:27:00.000-04:00

...up a mountain....and i swear i will never do it again...
i have monday's and tuesdays off so over the weekdend at work i heard a couple co-workers saying they were gong hiking on tuesday...so i invited myself...we are a close knit group so someone is always inviting themselves somewhere...
now mind you it is about 100 degrees outside (thats actually a cool day) and we get to the mountain at about 3 p.m. instead of starting at the base we drive up a ways to this parking lot...the parking lot is for the tram - u can pay 20 dollars and take a rotating tram car (looks like a glorified, round incased ski lift)up to the toop of the moutain and go hiking on trails up further, or just take pics or the gorgeousness (not a word, i know), there is also a mountain top resturant...i took that trip when i first got here...ill post the pics maybe...
anyway, so me and my 2 co workers park in the lot and decide to trek down and then come back up...the walk down wasnt bad, its all an incline so you can feel it in your shins but its good exercise right...so we get about a mile and half down, wander around a bit then decide to come back up...at about the mile marker i tell the boys to go bring the car down and ill just stay here...but they werent having that...told me to test myself..to build up my endurance...then they tried to really get me...told me that this will help me build my endurance so the next time i have sex i can go all night...i looked at them and told them i dont need to go all night a good 15 minutes is fine with me...they laughed, i was serious...
so we keep climbing...going straight up, the incline was ridiculous, i could feel it in my butt, my thighs, shoot even my arms...my heart was racing...one of the guys told me to put my arms above my head...ummm, i tried but my arms couldnt make it that far..
so we climb some more..they are having a great time...one of the guys does this at least twice a week except he starts at the base goes 3 miles up and then 3 miles back down...oh HELL no...im drinking water, pouring water on my head, on my shirt i woulda pored it down my shorts but the guys woulda loved that too much...
finally we make it back to the car, where i promptly slip into the back seat...
i decided to check out my belly ring, something i do at least 3 times a day...dunno why...but i noticed that it was really red around the area and puffy...since we were driving back down the mountain anyway i tell them to drive downtown so i can go to the piercing shop...which is a few doors down from the bar we all hang out at..so you know where the guys went...so i go get it checked out, they tell me it is fine, nothing is wrong but ill probably have to come back in a couple weeks and get a gold ring...which makes sense..i can only wear gold in my ears or they get irritated so why shouldnt that be true for my belly...the piercing guy tells me for the gold bar its $150 buck but its $60 bucks for the hoop i said "what"...he laughed and says you are an expensive woman, i told him my mama tells me that at least once a week...and im getting the hoop later...
so i walk back down to the bar and take a seat with the boys...now mind you i look A HOT MESS, but im just not caring im happy to be off the mountain...they order beer and hot dogs, i get a smirnoff ice..not the best way to rehydrate, i know...
as we are talking i look out the window and see the cute guy i met last week he is a friend of a co-workers...he has the cutest dimples...so of course i tell the guys that "so-in-so's" friend from last week..oh really, go talk to him...i was like umm, no i look horrible...sooo one of them goes out and invites him in for a drink...damn...it was cool though we talked for almost an hour he is a nice guy...
we left after that and i got my car, went home and hit the shower...after all that i passed out on the couch around 10 and made it to my bed about 11...i got a couple text messages to come hang out but my body was hurting, i couldnt move...
so they want to go up this mountain again next tuesday..i keep saying naw i aint going...but i have a feeling i might end up climbing up the sucker again...my mama thought the idea of me hiking was hilarious...
im sitting at work now, finally got some down time cause it was a busy day...my body HURTS...i need a big bath tub, some epson salt and a massage...

July

2006-06-12T01:33:00.000-04:00

i got this email from somewhere that is supposed to tell your personality by the month you were born...this actually describes me pretty well...

Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. spazzy at times. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

life in general

2006-06-08T00:54:00.000-04:00

i am in the process of editing a book for my aunt..im so glad she hollered at me to do this...she is a psychiatrist and she is writing a small book on bird flu and holistic remedies and prevention...instead of running to the doctor for antibiotics she suggests other methods...i have actually learned a lot about different vitamins and supplements...i gave her my first round of edits, basically just punctuation/grammar type things...(you would never know it by this blog, but im actually great at editing..if i do say so myself...and i do...)i mean i do it for a living, i got to be decent right?...i plan on working on it some more tomorrow before work...she had some questions about what i thought about the flow and format...plus she is paying me $50 and hour so i want to make sure i deserve the money...this is a great opportunity for me because one day i want to get into book editing...so i am thrilled to be doing this...i printed out the book and put it in a binder...i send her the edits over email but i find it easier to grab a pen and highlighter and tackle it old school and then do it on the computer...i grabbed the binder the other day and went to my fav italian joint near my apartment and sat and ate and edited...i think next time ill go to starbucks, a co-worker told me of one that has a great view of the mountains...im feeling all scholarly...
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i went and dropped WAAAAY to much money on some new glasses and contacts the other day...the eye glases i got are Dolce&Gabana - very big splurge, that i really didnt need - but they are too hot...bronze wire frames with the D&G on the side, rectangle shape, not really bulky...they have a hot school teacher kinda flavor...then i got some sunglasses, the sun out here is ridiculous so to be safe i got some perscription sunglasses...and then i got a years supply of contacts..im glad my new eye insurance is so good...it covered over half the costs of all that...
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FITNESS UPDATE: last week i hit the treadmill real hard for about four days...not just walking, my behind was running up the incline setting like i was really on a mountain with some big animal chasing me...it felt good to just sweat like that...so i plan on doing that again this week...i also decided that i need to keep more fruit around so i have been buying strawberries, blackberries and watermelon, cutting them up and putting them in tupperware so i can chill on the couch and watch tv and eat some fruit instead of eating a bowl of homemade cookie dough...
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a few coworkers and i are talking about going to orange county for fourth of july...actually we wanna go july 3rd, so traffic wont be as bad...we wanna go chill at the beach all day and hang out...so we shall see if it happens...
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my parents will be here in about a month..im soo excited, i cant wait..i miss them....their anniversary is next week...36 years of marriage...they were high school sweethearts, they dated for 7 years before they got married so they have been together for 43 years (check my math, i used my fingers but i still have issues)..i think i should get them something for their anniversary...i never have before...maybe a card or sumthin...
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i am putting myself on a budget..this is going to be hard..but i wanna pay off my credit card and start truly saving...since i have been in cali, and began making double the amount i was making in indiana, and ive been pretty trif and careless with my money...just buying random stuff i dont need...like i went and bought 3 bottles of wine the other days...for what? i dont even plan on having anyone over anytime soon...so that means they wont be opened anytime soon..ive also reopened my charge to express..i havent shopped at express for some years...but they dont have a Limited store close by...express has a 22.9% apr...RIDICULOUS...i am paying it totally off whenever i purchase something though so i dont have to pay that...but i dont NEED anything, i have enough clothes so i really didnt need to open it back up...so once i pay this 40 bucks on it, im going to close it again...im really trying to be finanacially responsible...my mama worked hard so that my credit is excellent and im not trying to mess that up...i have a problem recording my debit transactions so im trying to find a way to make myself start doing it...
--------
started rereading "in search of our mothers gardens" by alice walker...one thing about book full of essays is that each time i open the book i find something new to dwell on....i have been having this dispute with a coworker regarding the use of the word "thick" and losing weight/being skinny/society/dieting...last time we had this discussion i told him i consider myself thick...and he tried to make it seem as if i referred to myself as thick because i have bought into societies obsession with being skinny...he said i am not thick and that thick is just another word for fat...and i was trying to explain that i like the word thick and that i do not think im anywhere near fat and that i am not skinny and dont want to be skinny...i am a nice solid size...he says i look like a women, i have the body of a woman..and i agree with that..i said i am thick, im curvy...and he kept telling me that i was calling myself fat...so we were just going around in circles...i was like dude im not fat, thick is a good thing, i got meat and muscle...but so what does this have to do with alice walker?...well in the beginning of the book she has a quote by bernice reagon, reagon says that in the black community when u talk about a woman "with big legs and big hips and black skin" its a good thing, it is an honor...black women are revered for their shapes...she goes on to say, "the values that(imply)you must be skinny come from another culture...those are not the values that i was given by the women who served as my models. i refuse to be judged by the values of another culture. i am a black woman, and i will stand as best i can in that imagery."

AMEN to that!

love and all that good shyt

2006-05-29T01:29:00.000-04:00

so i have been thinking about love again...i mean, i love, love...i love seeing it, i love just feeling the vibes...its around that time of year and a couple friends of mine have gotten married, another has gotten engaged and my coworker just informed us she is preggers....its all love right?...thats wonderful..i love being around couples and people who really love other people...maybe it gives me hope that the world aint so damn bad...maybe i just like the look of love...when two people come together and you see the love between them, you see the closesness, the intimacy they share...i think its a beautiful thing to just look at...to take a step back and just be like "damn that love thing looks so damn good"...

so i was having a convo with derek...a convo about love/soulmates/God/faith...very informative...whats funny is that me "ms. fairytale romantic" told him that i do not believe all a marriage needs to work is love...i think more is needed...i think living off of love is good concept just not realistic...he on the other hand thinks love can conquer all and if two people love each other than can handle anything...and as good as that sounds...i feel its a fairytale thats just too far fetched for me to fathom...i believe in the power of love but i also have known relationships to fold and its not because the love wasnt there but because of other issues...

derek does not totally believe in soulmates, he believes in planning and making a way for yourself with follow-through and action...and i believe in God guiding our every step...i believe God is preparing me and is also preparing me a mate...i have faith in that...i know someone is out there for me...the things i have gone through in my life, the people i have met, the relationships i have formed were all experiences that i needed to go through to make me into a woman who will one day be ready to marry the man that God has ordained for me...and i am under the impression that there is a man out there going through things for the same reason and that one day, when God feels the time is right we will meet...or recconnect...and love will be there...along with all the other things that have shaped us to be compatible...i mean i really do believe in having the complete, wholesome "fairytale" relationship, i just dont beleive it can survive off of love alone..i believe there needs to be compromise, humility and understanding, among other things...

so then i started thinking about a post i wrote last summer when i was in reno handling career business..it along the same lines as the above...it happens to also be a favorite post of mine...

Conclusions...

so i picked up a book at the UNR library the other day and decided to crack it open last night...it was your basic storyline:

...various women characters unsatisfied with their lives and relationships, or lack of, share their stories, trials, tribulations, then somewhere along the way they all have revalations that allow them to pull their lives together....so after they go through the initial drama they all end up on the road to recovery and a few end up with "good men"...

basically its your everyday fairytale wrapped up into a 3 hour read...in other words......some simple FICTION....

but somewhere along the line i got to thinking (i think it was somewhere within one of the male bashing convos) what i realized is that i love hard....i closed the book at 12 sumthin this morning and that phrase popped in my head...i love hard....and then i was like well, ya know, im cool with loving hard and i dont want to change....

now im not naive, although i admit i have been before, i know that by putting my heart out there it can get stomped on, but ya know what, im cool with that, i can dig it....

i realized that i have always loved hard and even if it ended with me being angry, crying, throwin out their shyt - 'cept for a couple real good cd's - in the end i was smarter, stronger, i could still smile, i still loved myself, and i was capable of moving on and loving again....and that holding on to bitterness only holds me back...

now it took time and takes time to heal but tomorrow is not promised and every moment that ticks by is a moment i will never get back...so my plan is to keep myself open to all possibilites and to love hard everytime i get the opportunity and one day someone will come along and love me back just as hard and give of themselves as fully as i give myself...

i have concluded that hindsight is 20/20 - i havent been the best woman i can be in some instances and i have given myself to some toxic men, i have also been toxic and replled/repulsed some men...but ya know, those situations taught me a lot about who i am, who i want to grow to become and what i deserve...and i appreciate the love/lust tussles the i got myself into because they were just preparing me for my future....

okay, so my tangent just got a little crucial...but anyway all im sayin is although the book was a B-, in terms of plot, character development, and writing style, it did make me think and it did help me bring voice to the concusion that i am a firm believer in love and while i might not get the fairytale ending, if i keep loving hard the way i do.....i just might get damn close......

career talk

2006-05-21T23:12:00.000-04:00

i am wondering where i am going in my career...am i on a management track or am i just in this for the moment...
i am a copy editor, if i try and go up the latter climbing to slot then news editor to assistant managing editor to managing editor to publisher with various stops in between...well it sounds good in theory, right?

is that what i wanna do...will newspapers still be valuable resources with sales on a decline as a whole within the industry? people get their news from so many different outlets now...people want to get the info fast and want it to be straight to the point...
papers used to to have to reputation of giving the details and indepth converage you cant get anywhere else but this isnt so much the case anymore...you can put the whole story on the web and folks will get it much faster..newspaper is becoming the second day story outlet..not a breaking news outlet...my paper is in this big push to "write for online, update for the paper" which is a toally different thinking...but newspapers now have to compete with online, pod casts, blogs, tv, radio...

which brings me to new media...using all our resources...incorporating more online, blog, not just photos but audio and video, my newspaper is already doing blogs...and i am excited about new media, it is def my generation of things...but with all the sites out there that are not factual but more opinion...well, will they diminish what news is trying to do...will people trust this new way for newspapers to move to? will people be able to differentiate us from the not so quality journalism outlets? so many trust having the newspaper in their hands in order to really believe it but the groups is also dying off...but new media makes much more sense to go...i dunno...it can be a blessing or a curse..we shall soon find out...

as you can see i can talk about newspaper for a good minute...but thats part of learning my craft...this is where i am at in my life and in order to get ahead i gotta keep up with whats going on in the industry...im am blessed to be at a newspaper that is making money, and is at the head of the class in inovation...other papers want to recruit from my paper....being a black woman, being a black woman copy editor in this industry i can go far, there are not many of us, and papers are looking for us...and i have to take advantage of that...i also have to be up on everything..i have to know whats going on and know what im talking about because i am a black woman trying to get ahead...

we had a staff meeting this week talking about the push to do this...so it is runnin around in my head...i told my managing editor i wanted to be a part of this new media turn the paper is taking...he said send me some ideas...so i did..i gave him a couple things i think the paper can do...i hope he can get something from them...

i have this feeling that i need to emerse myself in journalism like i did last summer when i was in reno...in reno i was thrown into copy editing almost 24 hours a day...i was in class 8 hours a day then going back to my dorm room and having to study for 2 to 3 more hours...it was all journalism, all editing all the time..i woke up in the morning 2 hours before class to read the paper and take notes...but its was great...i was learning, i was loving it because it was one of my passions...i came back from my 6 weeks in reno energized...and i used my skills at my job, though not as much as i would have liked...and then 7 months later i get a job as a copy editor and move to cali..and its great...but i think i need to go back get out my book and papers and get back into my zone...i cant be the best unless i push myself to be the best..i cant slack off..i need to focus...i love my coworkers, i love hanging out but i love my job more...

i have been feeling insecure about my abilities to do some things...but i gotta keep going..i wanna work on my headline writing and focus on looking at the big picture within the stories...i can design my ass off, i can find the meat of a story and cut away the xtra to fit the space...but i need to look more, i need to pay attention to the little things that make the big things..and i know this..i ask others that have been at this longer than me about what should i work on..and then i do..but i feel like i gotta go back, retrace my steps and then bring all the knowledge i have in the back of my mind to the front....

and so you know what started this whole rant and rave? a friend of mine told me he thinks its sexy when he hears women handle their business...and i pictured me, glasses at the bridge of my nose, sitting on the floor, papers spread around me, some music and a glass of wine, studying...and i felt sexy...smart is so damn sexy right?

so, while i am clearly devoted to newspaper at this moment..where will i be in a few years? i dont wanna back myself in a corner, i still have dreams of being a book editor, but havent really pursued it....only time will tell i guess...but i sooo believe in keeping my options open...

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

2006-05-14T19:49:00.000-04:00

he aint the hottest thing to look at but...

2006-05-07T01:42:00.000-04:00

this man WORKED ME OUT!!! billy blanks is no joke...im am so sore right now...i picked up a set ot two billy dvd's last year...and i always do the cardio one...and i get a good sweat going, i stop and then i go shower...yesterday i decided to try popping in the fat blaster dvd....i pushed the coffee table back against the couch and i got ready to work out....he waant playin when he named this dvd fat blaster...i thought i was gonna die...i almost stopped but i pushed myself to do 30 minutes...and it felt good...but i didnt stretch afterward so now my hamstrings are sore...guess that means i gotta just go work out some more...
this fitness challenge thing might work afterall...i also think im going to start utilizing the work out room in my complex...i picked up Fitness magazine and it had this great 30 min treadmill routine...mainly it involves getting your stamina up...intervals of hills and spurts of running....so i have it book marked..maybe ill post the workour later...
i also subscribed to shape magazine..i really like the mag, ive been buying it off the stands for almost a year so might as well get it sent to my house...its cheaper and more convenient...

oh...and i got some more pics...this time of cali, where i moved...my mom wanted to see where i worked so i took some pics of the grounds from the balcony i always go out to to talk on my phone...

this is the nice little pond that near the front of the building...

this is the view off one of the balconies looking onto another balcony with the palm trees in the middle...

this is another balcony...the building has A LOT of balconies...

there are more but i havent gotten them out of my phone yet...but i just love the trees, its peaceful, so i just come out here when i need a break from work and sit and relax...or if i get to work early ill pull out a book or keep yapping on the phone...